I've been avoiding this blog.
I'm confused about some things. And angry about others. Saddened.
Not as a state of being. Mostly, I feel content, and happy, and excited. Unless I'm in a group of Christians. I smile as I write that, to know that it's not so simple, and mostly jestful.
I went back to the OT bible study this past Saturday. I won't recount the contents in their entirety, but will say that after a lecture on Jethro, we started talking about non-Christians. And the discussion hurt me deeply. I identify so closely with non-Christians (as a person who has struggled so much with the Christian church, and sometimes, Christian theology), that to hear them mocked, and misunderstood, and judged--it felt like someone was lacerating my heart. Which led to anger, which led to self-righteousness (and memories of past self-righteousness). I cried all the way home, and asked God for forgiveness twice: once for their sins, and once for my own. I realize that's entirely presumptuous. I'm overstepping my boundaries in assuming their sins--in assuming they sinned at all.
What's hard about these conversations with Christians is that they just don't get it. In the same way that I thought I understood them before coming down here and going all in, they think they understand the non-Christian. And sometimes even the ones who once lived in "the world," don't get it, because they gave up their passkey.
I see this weird assumption that to not be of the world means to not live in it. To create this parallel society (I call it "secular Christianity") to live in, so that we can avoid all contact with the evil of the world. The practical result of this is Christians who begin to mistake culture for faith, and become so encapsulated in the culture of the their particular faith community that they become inaccessible to the people who need them most.
I don't want to live that way. I don't think God wants us to live that way. Jesus didn't live that way, to my knowledge. I wonder if we should instead recognize that yes, we are not of this world, but that we ought to live in it. Note that I'm not suggesting that we all start wearing pajamas with things like "juicy" written across the rump, or singing along with Britney ("1..2..3, living in sin is the new thing" --to which I say, really, Britney? That's a new thing?). But, neither were we meant to be cloistered. I believe that we were meant to be monks amongst men, so to speak.
There's so much more to be said about this. But I'm tired. I've spent three days praying for peace, and humility, and understanding. The humility is breaking my heart. Humility, and love. I need them both, they work together.
On a final note, I just finished watching a documentary called "Brother Born Again." A bisexual, Jewish agnostic tries to rekindle a relationship with her born again brother who has been living in a Christian commune in Alaska. I can't explain this. And I know I'm crazy for saying it, but I felt God watching over my shoulder the entire time. Saying something akin to, "This is for you. I know you needed this." Because I could understand the agnostic, and the born again, I felt empathy for both, and that calmed my heart. Made me feel better about where I am. I was able to defend his faith, and encounter her pain and frustration. I felt more whole, as I watched. It's a remarkable film.
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I've been wondering about you and was going to call if I didn't see a post soon! Yesterday the Lord put you on my heart. I actually found a little slip of paper that you wrote your address on for me several weeks ago. That was my clue to pray for you. Now, I can see why God put that paper in my path!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I can identify somewhat with the lack of understanding of some Christians when it comes to how they view non-Christians. I think the reason is that many were saved at a young age, and although they did not live a perfect life, were mostly surrounded by Christians. That lends itself to being in a bit of a bubble. Unfortunately, that kind of isolation from unbelievers results in ignorance.
We need people like you to jolt us into reality. Tell us how it is. Help people to see what they don't understand. The fact that you came to know the Lord as an adult gives you the perspective that many Christians need to hear. It's not that they don't care; they just don't know.
Well, enough said. I hope you have a GREAT Thanksgiving with the fam. We all have so much to thank God for, don't we? I pray that this is the most blessed Thanksgiving yet...for both of us.
Thanks for your kind, kind words. Very encouraging.
ReplyDeleteTo be fair, I don't think that any of the people I was with were ill-intentioned. I just don't think they understood how their words would be perceived. Also, I could be completely wrong about "how it is." I don't want to be perceived as marching in, and laying down my beliefs as the ultimate understanding. I just sometimes get the feeling that some of the Christians I talk with... well, you're right. Often, it has to do with perspective, and a somewhat narrow one. I think that's why that documentary was so soothing to me. The born again came from a marginally (but significantly, to me) similar background, and his family thought he was crazy and being brainwashed. But I could empathize with him. I've been feeling very schizophrenic lately, in that I live in two worlds now. One in which the people around me affirm and support and encourage the direction in which my spirituality is growing. And another in which I realize I have to tread very carefully, lest I be considered less intelligent, less reasonable, less valid. Then straight down the middle is God, and the me that He made me to be, and I have to decide (because there are many interpretations of scripture, and even "signs" have to be interpreted) what of each world is true, and what is just culture. Then, what of the culture I'll take, and what of it I think leads to incorrect understanding, and thus poor behavior. I don't mean to make this sound as though I'm doing it on my own, without God. Just that as God doesn't come down and explain to us every detail, and as I'm not willing to just follow along, trusting that the people around me have it all right, it's up to me, with His guidance through word and prayer, to figure out how to live. I guess that's an easier task for someone who was raised not questioning the culture.
Anyway :-) You have a great thanksgiving too. I can only imagine what amazingness you cook up.