the call.

A week ago yesterday morning, I found out that I have cancer.

When I stopped the crying, and the phone calls, I felt a truth rise in me.

I don't want to miss this opportunity. I don't want to just get through this. I've prayed too often for wisdom, and courage, and for closeness with God, to let this pass. I don't believe that God is causing this cancer, but I know that He's allowing it, and friends--I don't want to be victorious, I don't want to be the picture of someone stronger for the wear, or a proud cancer survivor. I want to be the one weakened by reliance on our powerful God. I want to be humbled by a greater understanding of His glory, and His grace.

I've learned, over the past week, that it's much easier to say those things in the moments when I'm not having terrible stomach cramping, or vomiting, or fear. So my greatest prayers are for the worst moments. The moments when I know that God is with me, but when I start to wonder why He allows the pain.

The truth is that I don't need to know. I believe that nothing is lost in the economy of God.

I don't know what's ahead. My appointment with the oncologist is tomorrow, and I might not even know then what all of this means. Will treatment be straightforward, or complicated? Will it be taken care of once and for all, leaving me to a normal life? Will I live with scars? Will I die?

I don't know.

I do know that I serve a loving, and a gracious God who has plans both for my life, and for my death, as He does for you, and that if His strength is made perfect in my weakness, then I am not in such a terrible place.