fertility folly.

I can't have children. That's what the doctors say.

After 5 weeks of daily radiation blasting my cervix, and some intense implant radiation therapy, I am 100% useless as a baby-making mechanism.

When the doctor told me, I wasn't surprised. For years, I've known that I would not be able to give birth to my children. I don't know how, or why. But from the time that I was young, I knew. That's why I've always been so passionate about adoption.

I didn't know how it would happen, how I would find out. Would there be an accident? Would I find out while my husband and I were trying? I had no clue. But I knew. So, when the doctor told me, and then he waited for the reaction, it never came. I knew. I've always known. I wasn't upset. I want to adopt. I've always wanted to adopt. No bigs, doc.

Given all of that...there is one piece of "encouragement" that I wish would die a terrible death. It goes like this:

Me: [Just told someone all of the above and more.]

Well-intentioned conversant: "Aww, you know God can do miracles. Lots of women still have babies after these kinds of things."

Me: [The rest is in my head and goes like this]:

Um, hi. I just told you that I want to adopt. That adoption is a miracle to me. That if I should be blessed enough to meet the man with whom I can storm the world, and we should be blessed enough to give a child a life of Christ, and love, and wonder--that's what we're going to do.

Please don't be sorry. Don't give me that tone. Don't tell me about miracles. I'm a miracle. That He would choose me, and give me this life, is a miracle. I know. I'm not sorry. I don't use that tone with myself. Our child will not be in any way second best because Mommy had cancer, and she couldn't give birth. My family won't be second-class because we don't share genetics.

I know that people are well-intentioned, and caring, and encouraging. But in assuming that I need to hear about miracles, and prayers, that encouragement denigrates my passion for adoption, and it insults me and my future husband, and our child/ren. It acts as though child birth is the first and superior choice, and whatever I'll do--well, that'll be a compromise. And I don't feel that way!

This cancer came out of left field. And more things could. I could end up pregnant! But if I do, it won't be a better miracle. It'll be the same kind of miracle that drives me to adoption. And that child won't be a better one than my adopted children, but just as wonderful.

So...to anyone who has ever given that kind of encouragement, please join in the joy that I have, encourage me and build me in that. And to myself...don't ever forget what you've learned in this.