another room.

If I could move to St. Louis right now, I would.

As I drove north on Wednesday, I was leaving Springfield for the first time since moving here in August. Though I've kept frequent contact with my friends and family, I have become somewhat isolated in the culture down here. I fear I've become someone I'm not meant to be. On my way to St. Louis, I imagined what it would be like to forget it all and really go home. To forget all of the people I've met, all of what has happened at James River, and all of my MSU experience. Could I do it without turning back? Would I miss anyone?

It is bizarre to have such a transient life. Everyone I know I've known less than four months. Every "favorite" restaurant, every "familiar" street--all only footnotes of the previous 16 weeks. I have come here, and created something from a virtual nothing. But could I go away, and create something else? A different narrative, maybe? Am I different?

I've been walking a line. Afraid to be honest with my university peers on topics related to my faith. Afraid to be honest with my Christian friends on topics related to culture. I've been compromising my self. Toning it down with both audiences so as not to offend, not to draw fire.

Part of me wants to turn from my life at James River. Not to turn from Christ. But to turn from the culture, and to begin again at another church. Or maybe no church. I could have as easily gone to some other church that first Sunday, and then what? How would my life be different? I cannot go back into yesterday, but I can change tomorrow. If I walk away from James River, and instead go hang out with the Episcopalians, or the Baptists, or the Unitarians--will my course be changed?

I guess the meat of the thing is this: Where would God have me?

In St. Louis, driving past familiar places, and feeling the thrill of life in a city I love so much, I realized that I have not been feeling myself. Right now, sitting in my room deconstructed, having just left all of my family, and nearing the end of the first term of my Master's education, about to move to yet another new room, knowing that there's no one within a couple hundred miles who is really on the inside of my life, I feel very much adrift.

Where would God have me? He had me at James River. For a clear reason. And probably some not so clear ones. But is that over? Can I be who I am there, without getting mired in the cultural stuff? These people I've met, and become friends with. What role will we play in each other's lives? Is there more?

Some answers are not for me to know. And some are very much important parts of my decision-making process. I pray for the wisdom to know which is which.