a happy hybrid.

At several points over the last couple of weeks, I have felt joyful. This is not entirely unusual. While the timbre of this blog has often leaned towards the melancholy (and in my private life, I've often been melancholy), my demeanor when I'm not struggling with life-changing decisions is one of the unfettered optimist. I have long had a reputation for my unbridled love of Monday mornings. I am that annoying person who shows up for the 8am meeting talking about how gorgeous a day it is, when outside the clouds are closing in. I have generally been known to delight in the small things--books smell like Heaven; rain on my skin reminds me I am alive; slipping on ice, and dropping my coffee, and a bird pooing on me (true story) all make me laugh.

Interestingly, it's the existential issues that have always brought me pause. They have ridden under everything that I do, coming up to undermine my optimism. Why am I here? What is my purpose? What should I be doing with my life? These are the questions and struggles that have driven me to the edge, and kept me in darkness (privately, anyway). It's an odd juxtaposition. Bummer life events can be dealt with, laughed at even. But when you don't know what you're for--that can bring a severe, suicidal despair. I so often cried out to God in anguish, "Find me! What is this all about? What am I here for, God? Do you exist? Can you hear me?"

But now, my dispositional joy is joined to the existential joy of knowing Christ. And I feel it. Not perfection, of course. I'm not perfect, and so I do imperfect things, and I have consequences. Consequences are not generally joyous events. But I feel this overwhelming sense of gratitude. A fear of the Lord is the beginning of all knowledge. How amazing. That I should live, that I should breathe, and walk around, and think, and be Loved by Him. That I am a being made for Him. That even if no one else does, He understands me completely. Sees the bad, and the good, and loves me anyway. Let's tell it like it is, that's pretty rockin'.

This has all brought up an interesting issue for me. I have gained acceptance into most parts of social world by playing the fringe "Christian." Intellectually with-it, naturally skeptical, too cool for school. I have held back on joy, and shown instead intellectual excitement, and that has allowed me a free pass to talk about my liberal "belief" in Christ to my friends, and have them just consider it an "Ashley quirk."

Now, I realize that I can't be too cool for school. Too cool for school is for cynics, and I don't want to be a cynic anymore. I never wanted to be one then, I just didn't entirely realize that's what I was doing. Now I know. And I've got to figure out how to take these walls down, and still maintain relevance. My friend back North, Michelle, does this really well. I think I need to contemplate sort of a hybrid of her joyful Christian coolness, and Tim Keene's "God'll take it" awesomeness.

On that topic, I met Tim's wife tonight, and she is every bit as awesome as He is. Where do these people come from? And how do they get so awesome? Tim introduced me to one of the preaching pastors, Curt Cook, whom I have actually met before, and who gave a smokin' hot sermon tonight. And all of it made me think again that I'm right about my instinct that this place is good.

JRA, and all of these amazing people who lead it, help me when I come to a "Mary, Joseph, and the camel, what are you doing?" moment. I think, "I can't believe this is all happening. Ashley, you're not you anymore, is this all ok?" And then, "You're becoming the you God has in mind, and both versions of your intuition know these people are good. You can trust them."

The truth is that I don't really understand it all. I am continually surprised that anyone knows about this blog, and it's not because I don't want them to. It's because this blog is the purest memory of the me I was. It reminds me of a really recent time when all of this was so much less real. When I assumed that my world view was 100% correct, that I was meant to be the fringe Christian. When I was filled with venom for Christians, and the church, and spurned them all as "messing it up." I thought I was wise. But I wasn't. I thought I had it all locked down, but I didn't. And now, I'm kickin' it with these pentecostals, and the entire course of my life is changed. That is great, and also terrifying.

As for the people...I don't need them to believe in Him. But He used them to bring me to Him.