Crazy lady walkin', talkin'.

So many directions in which to go.

First, baptism. I'll be uncharacteristically open here, to admit that it changes things. It changed me. Yesterday, I was processing. Today, I felt. The moment of my baptism has come to me periodically throughout the day, and a myriad thoughts splashed against my mind-- the continuity of thousands of years of believers all baptized in His name, the symbolic and literal washing of my sins, a social proclamation of my being "all in." So many more. And I begin to cry. I had this sense yesterday, and it's stronger today, that this is all really happening. Because I can be so analytical, I sometimes feel as though I'm just playing a part. I'm in, but I'm not in. I'm along for the ride. I'm watching. But now, that sense is receding with regards to my faith, and involvement in the church. I am a new creation. I will be so for the rest of my life. This changes everything.

Oddly, this came to me in the most mundane moments today. Getting out of my car in the parking garage, sitting in an office suite, walking across campus, teaching someone about t-tests. I felt like a Christian. It's hard to describe why that is so poignant to me, though if a person has read this blog, he/she probably understands. This is undoubtedly powerful in-group psychology, but that doesn't mean it's not of God (stay tuned for a post about God, neuroscience, and the temporal lobe "proof").

I'm sure my adviser would be appalled by all of this. We had a little brain-storming session today for my Spring term practicum. I've recently read some great research in the field of materialism, and spirituality. This sent her off onto a line about how, with regards to materialism, it's likely that Buddhists will be more true to their religious ideals than Christians. Then, I told her I wanted to take this class next year on "Psychological Issues in Religion." I expected some dissension, but there was only enthusiasm, which tells me that the class is not Christianity-friendly. Should be good.

I'm careful when I'm with her now, because increasingly, I find myself saying the very same sorts of crazy stuff that I mocked only weeks ago. In fact, I can point to places in this blog where this is the case. I wrote yesterday that I can't wait to see my children be baptized. Somewhere back a few weeks ago, there's a post in which I mock the "optimal age in which to indoctrinate children with Christian theology." I wrote recently about all the hottie guys in the Church. I have long said that Church is no place to find men ("they're too square"). Yesterday, I made a logical claim based on God not having bad ideas. Only weeks ago, I was on the phone with my friends from home, unkindly blasting a now-friend for making a claim involving how "God doesn't lie."

The strangest part is that the "after" portion of this picture (and it's quite a before-and-after) is not motivated by group identity. I'm not saying these crazy things because I feel pressure to fit in. I believe them. They make sense to me.

Having said that, I still feel a very real need to be relevant. I think sometimes, Christian equate this with "giving up" a part of their morality, or "becoming like the world." That's not what I'm talking about. I'm just talking about chilling it out a bit, recognizing that in the eyes of a non-Christian you are not you. You're a Christian. And there are a whole host of things that go along with that. It's not fair. It's not right. But it's the way it is. And if we're serious about being able to have cross-cultural discussion (Christian to "non"--it truly is a cultural divide in many ways), we need to recognize our perceived impact.

That's a longer post. Maybe tomorrow.