I'm a fool.

I'm changing.

I have said--in fact I'm fairly sure I've written here--that there's no marked difference in the moments preceding Salvation to the ones immediately after. I was only partially correct.

The difference is not so much a lobotomy, as it is a Lasik.

I'm not an entirely different person, per se. I just have new eyes. Metaphorically-speaking. Though, if I could have new brown eyes, that'd be awesome, I've always wanted brown eyes. Did you know the majority of the world actually has brown eyes? Though there have been some indoctrination efforts to convince us blues that we're the majority, it's really an Olympic-level smear campaign against...

Forget the Xanax. Maybe I need ritalin. Or maybe I need to pray for focus.

The point is this. I accepted Christ last week. And now, I believe and feel all sorts of things that I don't understand. This is illogical. But it's really not. "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge." I believe that to be true, on both logical and intuitive grounds. Everything else makes perfect sense, then.

God is doing some things that I just don't understand. I can't lie. And I don't always even understand my relationship with God. I slide in and out of "getting it." But I hold on to what I know, to what makes sense, and I repeat to myself two verses. The first is the one I've quoted above, from Proverbs, and it reminds me to submit, it reminds me that by God's grace, I breathe. The second verse is from Romans, "For His gifts, and His call are irrevocable." This reminds me that I haven't always understood, I haven't listened or followed, but I've always, on some level, known.

So, I'm changing. I'm seeing God where I didn't before. I'm finally agreeing to stop juggling. I can't juggle anyway, and it's not my job. He'll take it. I am realizing the ways in which my life is just riddled with sin. Not in a weird, creepy, fire-and-brimstone, some old guy shaking his fist at me type way. But in a ... Father, I live by your Grace, and Love,and Yours alone, and yet, I just said something so hurtful to someone, and I am filled with arrogance, and I need to be doing more than I am, kind of way.

Also...my ideas about some things are changing. I don't want to say too much about this, because it's wigging me out. But ideas that I held as completely normal and correct a month ago, I'm now on the other end of. Living together and premarital sex, for instance. Do you know how beautiful a biblical conception of marriage, and abstaining, and not living together is? I do, now. But how? A month ago I would have argued the other side. My friends and professors would think me a fool to read this. What's wrong with my brain? What's happening?

I need sleep.