Dereck and Dissonance.

When I began this blog, I made two rules.

The first is in the writing, and it is that I would always try to be honest. To say what I'm really thinking, and what I'm really feeling. As I've gotten deeper into the church, I've had to curtail some of that out of growing respect and love for the people I'm meeting. And thus, a million moments have never crossed these pages. They exist in my memory, and in my private journals. Honestly, I never expected to make it far enough into the church for that to become an issue. I envisioned a much snarkier blog-- a sort of Zagat guide to churches, Springfield, MO edition.

The second rule is that I would never edit it to make myself look better. This has been somewhat difficult. At several points, I've re-read things from nights or weeks before, and thought, "Ouch, I should take that out." But have decided that in the interest of honesty, I'd rather let it stand, and pray for healing for, and mercy from, anyone it offends. For that reason, I've been fairly careful to withhold my snarkier comments, and to change or omit names of non-public figures. Still, I haven't been perfect. More often, though, than offending others, I think I've laid bare my own arrogance, and sin, and ridiculousness.

I need to do that now.

I've often used this blog as a way of working through. A method of getting at whatever it is that's really going on in whatever situation I have found myself in.

I now find myself at a crossroads. It's as though I'm standing in the middle of a field, or a desert, in a large circle. And from all directions, roads shoot out into the nothingness of the plane. I have these vague senses that various friends, and memories, and ideas stand at the end of a number of these roads, but the impressions tangle in my mind, and I'm lost. And I think, how am I going to figure this out? And then it hits me. Of course, if I were up higher I could see all paths, and where they end. But I don't have a way to...

Yes. Genius in residence.

So I determine that I will trust Him to get me onto the right road. I seek. I ask.

But then comes baptism. I'm terrified to be baptized, and I don't know why. Then I feel cranky towards some Christians, and I feel bad, and I think, "What's up with that, dude?" And I talk to some mentors/friends of mine back home, an incredibly brilliant Episcopalian couple, and I realize how far their belief is from what I'm embracing down here. And I'm thrown into dissonance. What is right? What is true? I trust Him. But how does this work?

Tim Keene told me I should go to New Life classes. I'm just gonna let it all hang out here. I recoiled. Though I smiled politely, and said "maybe," I actually thought "Um, seriously? I'm way advanced past those people. I'm no newcomer to Bible knowledge, thank you." Yeah, I know. That kind of thing is actually on the mild end of the full range of my arrogance.

Father, I need you to change me. You brought me here. You let me see. I need courage, and wisdom, and humility. Years ago, I asked a group to pray with me for radical faith. You remember. A guy named Dereck got very serious, and said, "You might not want that. Be careful praying for radical faith."

I want it. Dereck was right, but I want it. I'm scared of it. But I want it.