64K Question.

One of the questions I've had as I've contemplated the possibility of accepting Christ, and then in the actual acceptance, is of how my faith will affect my life, and my behavior. Will I automatically start thinking and acting in ways foreign to me? Will I suddenly feel compelled to behave in ways more in line with my conception of Christian ethics? Was I really all that sinful? How much change will there be? And how will that happen? Will there be new things just inexplicably written on my heart? Or will my reading in the Bible just begin to affect me in ways it hadn't before? How does all of this work?

Well, it turns out that at this point, I see it working in two ways. The first is that I'm just changing, without my explicit consent on every shift. God seems to have heard me say "I'm yours," and, somewhat to my relief, He has just taken the lead on softening and molding. I'm seeing things I didn't see. Hearing things I hadn't heard. I'm not making it happen. I'm not trying to convince myself of things, or talk myself into anything. It's just happening.

I feel like a bit more of an agent in the second way. As I read the Scriptures, I find myself more often relating what's going on in the pages with what's going on on my page. And then I have decisions to make. How will I interpret the Word? How will I have it change me? When I'm walking across the street, and going to class, and cooking dinner--how will my being a "new creation" affect these processes? Will it?

Today, it did.

The other half of that proverb I love about the fear of the Lord beginning all knowledge is that "fools despise wisdom and discipline." I have regarded that issue of discipline with some suspicion. Mostly because I know I lack discipline. And so I've been asking myself, "What does this mean for me? I fear (love, hold in awe, etc.) the Lord, I wish to keep his Word close to me. So I guess I should take this discipline stuff seriously. Crap.

I am not generally a poor student, but boredom is a death knell for my studiousness. And I have one on-line class that I find inhumanely boring. I've been ignoring it, knowing that I'm digging myself a hole. And then today, I came to the full realization that if I'm serious about obeying God, and seeking Him, these are the real-world issues that need to be dealt with and brought under His sovereignty. He brought me to SoMo. He gave me an all-expenses paid opportunity to get my Master's. My shirking this class is not just irresponsible academically, it's unGodly.

Furthermore, I realized the disrespect I was showing my professor. How much more unloving can you be than giving a person the impression that you don't respect her, or her work? That you could care less about something that you've committed yourself to, a commitment that she has made to you? Now, as the secular me, these things would be troublesome, but not much more. As a Christian, these things are parts of a much larger complex of sin, love for others, love for God, and the process of perfection. Yes, I'm going on to something much better, but for now, He has me here, and I'd best respect that.

So I emailed her. Bared everything, apologized, asked for mercy. She refused, and pointed out that sometimes the best lesson is that actions have consequences. She was right. I knew it. I prayed, and confessed, and asked God to take the situation, and to help me learn from it in humility. I felt like crap, but she was right. I told her so, I thanked her, and I made sure that she knew how sorry I was for disrespecting her. Then, a change of heart. A big change of heart. She's overlooking some of my ridiculousness, and if I turn it all out for the rest of the term, I can still earn an 'A.' Yeah. That's huge. That's grace.

I am completely aware that my professor is showing me undeserved mercy. I am also completely aware that such mercy comes with some responsibilities to respond and grow. Thus, the $64,000 questions: In what areas am I not showing discipline? To whom am I not showing mercy?

Yowsa. I thought the $64,000 question is supposed to be hard to answer.