I didn't, but now I do? I wasn't, but now I am.
I went with Kristen (of www.thosewhohunger.blogspot.com acclaim), and her wonderful girls, to the Library Center on Saturday morning. Kristen, in addition to being a fabulous Daniel Fast cook, and clearly an amazing Mom, also has a gift for showing Grace, and uncommon insight. She asked me a familiar question: What's keeping you? I stumbled through a response about how I felt as though I just needed that moment, the storybook, romantic comedy, meet-cute moment, where suddenly, everything clicks into place, and I feel it, and I feel Him, and I know. Without that moment, how will I know what to do, how to accept? And she made two very sharp observations. They are related. The first is that maybe, for me, that moment won't be an overwhelmingly emotional extravaganza, but instead an intellectual decision. And as for accepting Him, it is a decision. There's no mysticism in form. It's the moment of willing submission.
Those may seem simple points, but they met and destroyed the last of my opposition. I had realized the night before that I could argue issues of evolution, and philosophy for the next twenty years of my life. But if in my heart I already know the Truth, then why bother? Why wait? I have the rest of my life to quibble with science and philosophy, and best to do it with some guidance.
In thinking through these things on Saturday afternoon, it threw me back to something a youth pastor had told me ten years ago. His name is Matt Given. He was the pastor from whom I first heard the Gospel, and, even in the dark, my heart still softened for him. It probably comes as no surprise to hear that I have a long history of arguing with religious leaders, and Matt was no exception. Clear as day, I can remember standing in the door to his office, shoved back into a corner of the main offices of Christ Community Church, hearing him tell me that my problem is that I let my emotions have their way.
I'm telling you the truth, I never understood that until a couple of days ago. And not for lack of thought. I have remembered that conversation for almost ten years, and have never been able to figure it out. I've thought my problem is that I let my intellect get the best of me. But no, Matt must have seen it. He must have known that I was waiting to be swept away. He knew that I didn't understand how to submit my mind to the Lord, without expecting a miracle of my heart.
Lost in these thoughts, I jolted. Matt, submission, my problem, emotions, Halloween, Salvation, Springfield. It was exactly ten years ago that all of this started. On Halloween night, 1999, I was brought to CCC, the place that would begin my journey with Christ.
And then I knew. I know this sounds crazy. I know it sounds trumped up. But I knew. God was giving me both. He gave to me the mind to submit. And the sign, the storybook ending. Or rather, beginning.
That was Saturday night. I feel as though I've lived one hundred years in forty-eight hours.
As it turns out, my flippant commentary on Salvation being like a sorority (it makes more sense from the inside) appears to be correct.
A random sampling of thoughts over the past couple of days, bereft of grammar or sensical flow:
- This is redefining what I "need to know" in that I haven't known the answers for the past ten years--I didn't bring myself here, I just lived my life, and thought, and read, and experienced. And yet, I'm where I need to be. His Hand must have been on my life, though I didn't always see it. He must speak to us what we need to know in a way, or on a level, that we don't consciously perceive. Remember this, Ashley, it's important.
- My first experiences in the church, ten years ago, were marked by a sense that I needed to purge everything the church called "sinful" from my life. When I fell from the church, this is what I most rebelled against. Don't do that again. It's not my job to purge. Trust in Him, follow, and read, and Love Him. He'll take care of it. It's gotta be from the inside to the out, or it won't be credible to you. Or pleasing to Him. Submit, dude. Stop directing the flow. He'll take it. He'll change you. You didn't submit on your own, and you won't transform on your own.
- "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of Knowledge." So completely loaded. Too many implications to count. Has to be one of the most complex statements in this book. Understanding first, that I exist solely at his whim and his grace, sets the stage for everything that happens next.
- But, if I am His, and I am submitting to Him, and my mind/heart has been so desperately trying to orient towards Him for all of these years ("His gifts, and his call are irrevocable."), then that means my mind/heart is first and foremost an instrument unto His will. It is made in His perfect knowledge, and perfect understanding, and for perfect communion with God, the Most High. Whoa. Catch me. What will happen as we continue to travel together? If I am made to know Him, and now give these instruments their full power, what may come? That's a dizzying set of thoughts. I think, "I'm not ready for that, yet, Father. Please slow down." And then, "I'll let you decide what I'm ready for."
- It's time for some serious study. I want to know more about Him, so much more. Bring on the ancient languages, baby.
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