My heart is broken.
It's easy to trust God for things that I could do myself. But when it comes to things I think only God can do--I'd rather revoke my belief than take the steps towards uncertainty. I think, "God, I can't apply to seminary. I can't consider turning my plans upside down to do that." And then, "I'm so scared, I'd rather say no to what it is I think you're telling me to do. I'll still love you, though." And finally, "It doesn't matter anyway--you don't even exist."
Yes. Blog girl would like to go to seminary. Moreover, she feels lead to seminary, and has, for some time.
I know it's crazy. I know I don't belong there. And I have no idea what I'd do after I go to seminary. This is not a well-thought out plan.
I also know that my character is not at all what it should be for involvement in any sort of ministry. I know that I'd have a steep-learning curve, coming out of a different field. And that I'm not exactly the seminary prototype.
But still.
I want to go to seminary. What's more--I think it's a desire from God. Yet, the idea of stepping out towards that dream has me so scared, I start to doubt that God is speaking to me at all. Maybe I've been wrong about all of this? My doubt makes me feel like a failure, and then I've got additional ammo--I tell myself that if I can't do something so simple as be confident in this, or pray with people, or approach the altar, I'll never be able to make it through seminary. I should just follow the safe path. I'd make a good psychology prof.
I pray for strength.
"For His gifts, and His call, are irrevocable."
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Praying for you Ash. I've been in your position. When i lived in SGF with Patricia (the other Brazilizan), I agonized for months over what direction I thought God was leading me.
ReplyDeleteIn my limited understanding, I don't think God gives us difficult decisions and leaves us to pick the "right" one. He tests our faith. Will we ask for His guidance and His will? Will we take steps forward in faith, maybe not knowing where we're going but knowing that God has already laid out the path for us? He will close doors you don't need to go through.
God has given you the awesome gift of the Holy Spirit. He will keep your heart sensitive to Gods leading. Continue to pray, thank Him for the knowledge that He has orchestrated this long before you knew Him, and watch in awe as He does amazing things. As Pastor John says, He is a GOOD God who does GOOD things.
Can't wait to see where you're headed!
Erin
Erin,
ReplyDeleteThanks for both the prayers, and the wisdom. You guys are all really good at wisdom, I've noticed. I appreciate it. :-) Much needed, much appreciated.
Brazilian #1 showed me a picture of your baby, btw...beautiful! Congrats! And I love her name!
Ash