He wantsta hold your ha-aaaa--aaand.

12 minutes. I just finished writing my lecture notes for the classes I teach tomorrow, and I'm giving myself 12 minutes before I force sleep.

So let me be brief. I was in my graduate-level religious studies class tonight, and I have no business being in a graduate-level religious studies class, but I sat there, and something weird happened.

I am a girl after knowledge. I was raised to value education for education's sake. I went to a school at which being smart was cool. Facts, and knowledge, and rhetorical skill have all been drilled into me as things to reach for. So part of the allure of this religious studies class has been the idea that I could some day know as much about theology as these people do. I could be as smart as them. The level of proficiency that I have in psychology--I could have that in theology. I could be the expert. That's after all part of the glory of academia--most serious academicians want to eventually be the best at what they do. I haven't been immune to that vanity.

So I was shocked tonight to sit in class, and realize that yes, I want to know all that they know and more, but I don't care about the academic debate nor the prestige. Suddenly, in the middle of class, I realized that I don't care at all about the dispassionate academic, debating-for-debating's-sake going on. Divorced from Christ, the theology meant nothing to me in that moment. Yes, I want to know about Augustine. But not so that I can have a rousingly self-serving discussion about the historical implications of his witness doctrine. Not unless knowing the historical implications will help me to help someone else understand God's love for them. Otherwise, I don't care.

I drove home, floored. I thought I wanted to go into theology to be the smart one. That was part of the plan in considering theological doctoral programs a couple of months ago. But the plan just got turned on its ear. My heart did something crazy. It flipped on me. I said I never wanted to go into the ministry end of seminary. Seriously--I just told someone from Dallas Theological Seminary that very thing a few weeks ago over the phone. "No sir, I'm not interested in ministry--just the academic end of theology." But, eschewing the academic interest in favor of any interest that will help me to bring people closer to God--that sounds a lot like ministry to me.

Maybe I just had a bad bite of something. Lead-poisoning? Low oxygen? I don't know. I'm going to sleep on it.

Regardless, I got home to friends in my living room, one of whom related how a third friend of ours expressed his concern that I was spending "too much time with people from the cult."

Nuts, right? Let's be real, though, I don't need his opinion to unsettle me--I can do that well enough on my own. Am I serious about this? I'm not qualified to help bring people to God. I'm a child. I'm flighty, and doubt-filled, and unstable at times. Who am I kidding?

But even if Rome wasn't built in a day, how crazy is it that my heart just flipped like that? Is it even possible? Have I finally lost it? I told God that I would need some hand-holding. I wasn't sure what that would look like.

Am I seeing it?