low ambition.

My friends are doing all of these crazy awesome things. Meeting with Nobel Prize winners, and winning medical fellowships, and passing the bar. And I'm in Southern Missouri, applying to seminary.

At one point, I would have been jealous of them. I'd have attempted to console myself with some idea of my own prestige. But it's not about that anymore. Whether I do anything "important" at all, ever, is a moot point.

The most important thing I do every day is waking up, and telling God that I'm in. I'm in again. I'm in today. I'm in to try to let His love work through me, to show others how much He loves them. I'm in.

I don't need a Nobel prize winner to help. No fellowship could make God more or less loving. A lawyer's salary would be nice, but I don't need the money, or the power.

My skills are what they are. My potential is what it is. I am what I am. And none of it matters unless it's all in line with His love, and it is. For the first time, it is. It's good. Feels good.

I am a far cry from perfect, but I'm no longer reaching for perfection. Now, I'm out for holiness. For one-ness with God.

I think that part of this seminary process has been giving up my own ideas of success. I've been wondering if I am willing to say that I don't care if I'm never well-known in my field. I don't care if I'm never published, if I'm never THE go-to psychologist in a field. Going to seminary has represented to me that admission--so being ready to go has meant my laying down my own ambitions. I think I'm willing to do that now. I can honestly say that I don't care what happens to my name, and my reputation, as long as I'm doing whatever it is God would have me do.

This is very different from the individualist world, in which part of happiness is recognition. It feels good to walk away from that. To walk towards God.

I'm sure I'll panic. I'm sure there'll be moments of uncertainty. I'll read a FB status, and feel jealousy. And who knows? Maybe seminary isn't the right direction. Maybe psychology is still the plan.

But to walk from the world, towards God, and His love for people--it's all the plan I need to know.