Clever defenses.

I feel intolerably anxious this morning.

I didn't sleep well last night. I haven't been sleeping well, in general. I sometimes lie awake at 2 or 3am, staring at the ceiling, chasing down answers and emotions. And in that space, between deep sleep and waking, I come to realize things about faith that a moment later in consciousness I can't remember.

At the very least, I can never seem to remember all of it. Today, I can remember one thing, and that is that I needn't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

So there are crazy Christians--I don't have to be one of them. I can be an entirely sane, reasonable, and level-headed Christian.

So there are Christians who have a completely different understanding of biblical concepts. I retain the right to have my own understanding.

Down here, things often come framed in a very either-or type way. Either you believe this and you are a Christian, or you believe that, and you aren't. My allowances and justification for this behavior have gone something like this: Because Christianity is such a part of the culture, the pastor's job down here becomes much more difficult in that a lot of his congregants will assume that they are Christians, but not believe or live anything that supports that assumption. So, he has to be much more "black-and-white" about things, to get his congregation to understand.

I despise the black-and-white. I live in the gray.

I think I've been balking at "accepting Christ" in a theologically conservative sense, because I have this idea that in order to do so, I also have to accept a conservative conception of the Scriptures. I'd have to believe that the earth is only 6,000 years old, and that evolution has not been a factor at work. I've feared that I'd have to believe all sorts of crazy things about sin.

And if I bring any of these objections, the Christians have a truly clever defense. "You won't understand. You're not a Christian. And only those filled with the Holy Spirit can really understand." Ha! They're tacticians.

Christianity down here has a lot to give. It is truly passionate, and loving, in ways that I hadn't seen back North. But, it is also lacking. It's childish (not child-like) in ways that make it almost farcical. I'm speaking generally here, of course not all Christians in camps both North and South fit these molds. Some of what I've heard from the mouths of Christians down here is naive to the point of ignorance, and destruction. And that's not at all what they are intending. They're good, loving, and trusting people. So why do they allow themselves faiths that don't seek? In some ways, their faiths are incredibly arrogant. It's saying, "I don't understand your world, and haven't even attempted to, as you have mine, but I still know that I am right."

My anxiety is draining, as I regain my strength. As I remember that that's not truth, and I don't have to live by it. That I can, in fact, continue to use my mind in places, even as I accept only my heart in others. I don't answer to the Church, or its pastors or congregants. I answer to Him. And Him alone.