is this goodbye?

This blog has primarily been a place of working-through for me. It has been a random bonus that I've gained so many friends, and cool opportunities, through these words. But...maybe it's time to call it quits? To archive all of this, and move on?

When I started the blog, I didn't know Christ. I knew of Him. We had talked. But, I thought that "Christ" was just a metaphor--a clever example of how we ought to live. I didn't think it was necessary that anyone "accept" Him.

I abhorred His church. I felt that the Christian church was doing more harm than good, and though I craved the community, I was convinced I'd never be at home in a church. I couldn't stand to be around most Christians.

I was a deeply hurt person, more than I then understood. I talked about the love we ought to show, but, frankly, didn't have enough to give.

I had a million questions. I couldn't answer any of them. It broke my heart to feel so conflicted. My whole soul being pulled in by Christ. My mind telling me I could never make it work.

I thought I knew everything, because I'd been in and out of churches for so long, because I'd read so many books, and had better than your average grasp on the basics of Christian doctrine.

I was wrong.

I was wrong about who Christ is, and what He did. I was wrong about His church--if not in every opinion, certainly in the way I treated His followers. I didn't really understand His love. I did a disservice to His logic. I was arrogant.

I don't say all of that to debase myself. But to glorify Him.

Because as I've come back, He's never been less than gracious. Maybe that's my own imagination. Am I creating a god who loves me? No, not quite. I am believing in a God, who in response to my submission, has shown breathtaking compassion.

When I argued for a metaphorical Christ, I lived in two places. I claimed an ideal of selflessness that nothing in my character suggested I could attain, and nothing in my religious system promised to provide. When I denounced a righteous God, I denied a justice my nature suggested.

So, I'm on firmer footing now, philosophically. So, too, I'm in love. My mind is satisfied, yes. My heart so much more.

The experience is so intense that sometimes, I feel as though I've been taken into a cult. I imagine that it looks like that, to my friends from home. I start to worry. Have I? No. I've always flirted with the church, always been compelled by Christ. So I'm in love. So I'm claiming supernatural change. There is logic. Here, there is truth.

Here is what kills me: For months, I doubted that prayer could ever be meaningful, that Christ could ever be over my all, that I could truly take MY place within the church, that I could still be me with family and friends. Then, here we are.

Look, Mom, no hands! It's working!

So, has the purpose of the blog reached its end?

I'm not so scared anymore, that my mind will revolt from this. C.S. Lewis wrote that the question is not whether some man, somewhere can live without Christ, but whether I can. I can't. I've never been able to. It's done. I don't wonder anymore how this is all going to play out. It reminds me of something I wrote in a post, months ago--that I know how this story ends, "I'll fall to Christ, it's in my heart."

Am I closing something? What's being opened?