bay-reck.

I've got a problem. Like, a serious problem. Not like my new addiction to frozen cokes, or the time I thought I had Capgras' syndrome, or my as-of-yet failure to teach my mother to correctly pronounce the name "Barack Obama." ("Bay-reck? Ashley Louise, is it Baaaayyy-reccckkk???") A real problem.

Here it is:

Something happened, and now I'm in weird, constant worship mode. I know, I know. It's worse than you thought.

It's like this. I love music. A few weeks ago, I discovered Phil Wickham's album, "Singalong." At first, I was entirely taken with the song "Messiah," because, frankly, it's the most bestest song ever written. That song led to a pretty intense set of worship experiences, before I discovered "True Love," which has that rocking chorus at the end (the "Jesus is alive" part--you know you know it). Another set of amazing worship experiences. But last week, I found track 12. Jesus Lord of Heaven.

Pure, pure worship. Like tap water through a brita filter, through one of those super-powerful pumps they send to Haiti that can turn mud into Evian. Worship.

Why is this a problem?

Because I listen to music constantly. It's like my life has a sound track. So, most of the time, I need for the music to not intrude. Need for it to stay in the background of my homework, or my research, or my cleaning, whatever. But this song won't do it. It won't stay put. So I'm putting together lecture notes, trying to figure out how to explain a t-test to a bunch of undergrads (half of whom would prefer not to know anything about a t-test), and suddenly...

"You're love is deeper than any ocean, higher than the heavens, reaches beyond the stars in the sky-y-y..."

The music takes me. It turns me towards God, and I find myself praying, praising, saying to Him, "Yes, Your love is deeper. It is higher. It does reach. And Jesus, it doesn't know any bounds." It's so powerful that I'm in my office, fighting the urge to lift my hands to Him, then thinking, "Holy shhhh, Ash, what's this about? Worship is for Sundays and Wednesdays. Or at least for private, planned-out times, like 6:30am, or 9:30pm. Could you please tone down your crazy right now?"

Clearly, I don't actually believe that worship is confined to days of the week, or times of the day. But I think I've been living that way. I know that God knows it. And He's stepping in to take care of it.

So, I'm currently living a life of pretty heavy worship. Which is to say, entirely awesome joy.

Is this normal? To be so moved by worship? Is that an honest and acceptable thing? How do I know that I'm not just being swept away in the music? Then again, if it ends at God, who cares? Does God teach us things this way? Can I continue to be my own particular brand of funky, funny awesome, while also being an impromptu office-worshipper? Am I crazy?