free faith falling.

I'm feeling so very far from where I started, and I'm not too proud to admit that I'm scared.

I found myself, tonight, wanting to ask an old friend a question. Something like, "Do you think I'm creepy religious?" Not because I'm uncertain of my faith in Christ, but because I'm feeling like I'm way, way out on a limb. I'm not who I once was. Everything has changed, and just for a minute, I want to feel "normal," whatever that actually is. Then again, I abandoned feeling normal to feel Christ. That's where this all started.

I stood in the prayer room this morning, the place where those who've just responded to the altar call are brought to pray, to be led through the steps of salvation, and asked that one, earth-shaking question...

As I stood there, alone, waiting, my palms started to sweat. I'd never been there before, but I knew that in a few seconds, I'd be seeing people in the midst of the most important decision they'd ever make. Whether or not they realize it. If they were sincere, that one moment, that one surrender, has unleashed God into their lives in ways unimaginable. In big, wonderful, terrifying ways.

And a year from now, they'll be doing their thesis on how better to engage people in steps towards faith, and filming video segments of their testimony for the Easter services, wondering what happened to those days when they had at least the illusion of control over their lives.

Maybe they'll be more courageous, more faithful than I am. Not so scared.

As I write about this, I feel better. I remember why I kept writing this blog after all. It wasn't for you.

I'm not scared of God. I'm not so worried, these days, that I'll run from the faith my heart has so desired. I'm settled. What then, is making me literally shake? Tying my stomach in knots, and catching my breath?

It's that the doors keep opening. And those doors are proof that God is real. More than a philosophical conclusion. So much more than a myth to make me feel safe. He's real. When I see the doors open, my prayers answered, unbelievable opportunities to share faith made believable...His faithfulness slams into me like a freight train in the open prairie. His power is a violent reality, and suddenly, my life becomes so much bigger than I thought. The finite is infinite. My own control is ripped from me. Whether or not I feel ready, I'm in vertical free fall, plummeting towards the full possibilities of a God I had been grossly underestimating.

I wonder--if this has been the first year...