youthful discretion.

I've been reading back through old blog posts. A few things are very obvious.

Firstly, that I have been on quite the journey over the previous year. It's incredible.

Secondly, that I have been very, very raw in these writings. Much more so than I've really realized.

Thirdly, that I'm not so old at this. Reading my thoughts from even seven or eight months ago reminds me how new I am. How young I am in faith. I don't mean here to discount any sort of natural intelligence or intuition, or sense of God's presence, but just to remind myself that I've come a long way, but that there is much, much further to go. And I need the help and wisdom of those above me, those ahead of me. This admission in itself is remarkable proof of God's work in my life--in recent past, I have been vehemently opposed to being called anything close to "young in faith." I've snottily rejected help.

Humility hurts me. I start to feel insecure when I think about humbling myself to the knowledge and grace of others. It brings out all that is in me that tells me to always be strong, and always be right, because that's the way to survive. I have to gently remind myself, and pray that He reminds me, that my identity is no longer found in my ability to survive, but in my ability to submit fully to Christ. I can humble myself, because no matter my earthly position, God loves me absolutely. He loves me beyond reason, and far, far beyond imagination.

I am young in faith. There are things I don't understand yet. Things that don't make sense, and things I haven't lived, and things at which I'll fail a million times before succeeding.

I've been thinking recently that I'm scared to pray for whatever is next. This life with God--friends, it's a wild ride. So far, it has been completely unpredictable. But great. My fear melts in the realization that though this is all WAY outside the realm of what I expected for my life, I love it. More than any of it, I love Him. And the rest of the years of my life are just a footnote to the one moment in which I decided to love Him fully. That's something else.

This blog is raw, and precious to me, and has brought more wisdom into my life than I deserve. From that first day to this, it's about a girl who came with a searching heart, and found the God who'd been in plain sight all along.

Best of all, she finds Him, and by His grace, keeps growing.