introverted extrovert.

I was kicking it with the Texan and the Brazilian again today. One thing bothered me:

I cannot have a straight-face, normal conversation about my faith.

It is the craziest thing. I can handle all manner of uncomfortable or unsavory conversation, except for that pertaining to my own personal faith. Seriously. Try it the next time you see me face-to-face. Just throw something out there, like, "Hey, Ash, how is God working in your life?" And before I say something very bland (probably, "...He's working..."), you'll catch a micro-cringe. I can almost guarantee it.

That's sad.

I sat at the table this morning, feeling all kinds of uncomfortable and hating myself for feeling so uncomfortable, and trying to put on a straight face and just deal, and asking myself if I really was embarrassed by my faith, and what does that mean, and I've admitted in this blog to all kinds of crazy spiritual seeking, so why do in-person interactions freak me out, and I am exhausted just writing about it.

The whole thing makes me want to walk away from God, but that's illogical, and see below--it won't work. So.

Why am I so awkward in talking about my faith? Is this all not actually in my heart? Is that what it means? That I'm not really a Christian? No. That's silliness. I'm awkward because it's new, and so incredibly vulnerable. I think it's hard for long-time Christians to understand that corner of it because they're so used to God being a part of their daily lives, and conversations, and relationships, that just admitting to their faith and to the way in which God works in their lives isn't seen as vulnerable. Whereas to me, to say that God loves me, or that I love God--it feels like I'm ripping my heart out and setting it on the table for everyone to take a good look at. Keeping this blog public is the most vulnerable thing I've ever done. The thought of saying half of this stuff to someone face-to-face makes my palms sweaty.

So, maybe I'm not being irrational. But still. How do I deal with this? How do I get over the sense that my life with God is too personal to share, beyond the ability to admit to being a Christian? How do I get past the point where I just nod "yes" if someone asks me if things with God are going well? Past the sarcastic deflections, and un-clever diversions?

I don't want to live as a compartmentalized Christian. I either believe in Christ, or I don't, and I don't want that to change based on whether you're reading this, or hearing it.