the way.

I'm chilled out. The turn-arounds on my faith freaks are getting much faster, which is a sure sign of God's love, I'm convinced.

I've been asking myself why it's important for me to be more open about faith issues, particularly with friends and family from home. Why did it matter to me so much to be able to post a blog about my Christianity from such an open forum like Facebook?

And I think it's important because when I don't share God's love, it's as though He becomes less real to me. Of course, my devotion or lack of devotion does nothing to God's "realness." He exists as God apart from me. Outside of my experience of Him.

But when I find myself so frightened to live my faith openly, I fear that I won't keep it around for very long. I'm not making absolutes for myself because I'm an "extreme" or frantic personality--I'm not even really making absolutes. What I want is simple.

I want to live as a whole, integrated person, unafraid to say aloud that I love God, that I seek Him in prayer, and that seeing my own inability to live a life of truly loving others, I accept that His Son died to bridge my wayward heart to its Creator. To set right what had gone so terribly wrong.

So, when my fear of judgment has me shaking and running, I know that something is off. That some core part of God's truth, and His strength, hasn't yet settled into my heart in the way I'd like it to.

And I begin to wonder--will it ever? If I'm too afraid to do something easy, will I ever be strong enough to do something hard? If I'm too afraid to post a simple blog about a simple faith for all to see, how will I take this with me when I move out from here? How will I continue to love God when not surrounded by all of these incredible people, in this church that I believe to be so touched?

Valid questions all. I'm not too intense. I'm not putting too much pressure on myself. I'm not being extreme. I am finding my way with God. Though there's much more to be found.

But for now...God loves me, and I adore Him. And with Him, I will find that way.