strange frontiers.

I am wondering what is happening in my life.

I'm reading these last couple of entries, in which I talk openly of having reached the last frontier of strange, and I'm thinking, "Are you sure?"

Am I sure that I want to be open to things like tongues, and healing and the tremendous power of God in general? And then, am I sure that I want to be honest about those experiences as they come? (Kinda too late, right?)

The first time I prayed in tongues, it came on the heels of an impassioned plea for God to stay close, to keep my heart open to His truths. I worry sometimes that I will turn from this when I leave. I know that my heart is fickle. I know that I am not as logical and rational as I like to believe. And I know that some morning, I might wake up unable to remind myself of who He is. So I prayed, and I pray, that He takes incredible mercy on my wayward heart. That He helps me believe when I cannot.

In the silence of that desperation, I heard the whispers of what would become Our language. Frankly, and rather candidly, I think it's beautiful--it sounds beautiful. Lilting, and flowing, and a little bit...exotic? It is its own. It doesn't sound at all like the documentaries.

I'm tearing up as I write this, not because I'm frustrated, but because I'm doing something that I don't understand, but it's beautiful, and confusing, and calming, all at the same time. I'm saying yes to a kind of experiencing God that is...wholly other. And I don't get it. Is this a neurological anomaly? Is there something going haywire in my brain? My experience is real, and I know that it's God, but is it?

How can I do something so extreme, so much on the fringes of the religious world, but also so so gorgeous? Something that brings me so close to God I can feel His presence in ways I've only dreamed of and prayed for?

I won't give it up.

When I came to James River, I was confused. I didn't love it all, but there was something special, and a sense that I was supposed to be there. Even when I wanted to leave, I felt that God was holding me in, and that I wouldn't go until I felt released. So it has often been like walking in the dark. I feel the same with tongues. I don't completely understand them. I'm afraid of foolishness. But there's something special, and I feel God is leading me towards these experiences.

I won't give them up, as long as that's true.

I'm a little scared.