truth implied.

I'm in a distinctly different time of being right now. Eleven months ago, it was all about skepticism, and social exploration. Then it was about the possibility of truth. Then the probability of truth. Then accepting the truth. Then coping with the truth. Then living with the truth. And now, I'm figuring out the implications of the truth.

I'm learning, now, how to live in the church. How to unpack all of these strange Pentecostal-isms, and how to navigate the modern megachurch as a volunteer. How to show loyalty to my church while maintaining a questioning mind.

I am figuring out what to say to my friends about my faith, what to say to my classmates about my religion, and what to say to my church friends about my past.

Sometimes, I'm failing. I know that I need to put away the shock, and deal with things like tongues. I need to take in stride new ideas and phrases, even when they are legitimately shocking (like when I found out that girls down here don't ask guys out, or that there's such a thing as a "born-again virgin," or that people really have a thing against stupid, 10-dollar Oiuja boards).

Sometimes, I'm just trying to keep up. The megachurch is a mysterious force, with its fierce loyalty around the center, and gray lines tracking across the terrain of staff, and volunteer, and attender. Lindell said last week that one of the benefits of church involvement is that people rowing the boat rarely have time to rock it, and that is so true. I find myself feeling fiercely protective of James River these days, knowing the hearts of those who give so much to advance the cause of Christ, and taking part in the work that moves it all forward.

Sometimes, I'm surprising myself. At dinner with friends a few weeks ago, I found myself skipping a glass of wine. I didn't think about it for five minutes, it was just reflexive. I thought, "I volunteer, I shouldn't." And that was the end of it. What was most odd to me is that it would even occur to me. I'm not a visible volunteer. No one knows me. No one cares. And I personally have no ill will towards alcohol in moderation. But I still had the sense that the cause of the church was more important. That the issue of a glass of wine in public was so small, it just didn't warrant much thought. Though, it certainly had warranted thought within the previous 5 months, during which I'd believed passionately that the ban on alcohol down here is a detriment to the understanding of true Christianity in the secular world. Things change, I guess.

So I am adjusting. I'm learning how to keep some opinions to myself. I'm trying to learn how to show humility. I am figuring out there are many different kinds of Christian, not all of them peachy to deal with, but all of them family. I'm moving into a place in the Body, discovering what it means to be there, and to work towards a common goal, week after week, with people I don't always understand or agree with.

I like it.