I'm asking why. Why, God? Why Southern Missouri? Why a megachurch? Why Pentecostalism? Why these people, and this time, in this place?
I'm looking for clues to know what to do next. Because I am lost. I have less and less of an interest in pursuing a doctorate in psychology. My only current use of my research skills is searching the academic databases for peer-reviewed papers on tongue-speaking. I'm not presumptuous enough to believe myself to have been called to seminary. Because I'm waiting for an engraved invitation from Heaven. Which leaves law school.
The truth is that I don't want to leave here. I don't want to leave James River. And I don't want to leave any of the people I've met there. For so long, I lived this conflicted faith, where nothing ever made sense, and I was always the outsider. My faith makes sense now. I learn more of God every day. I understand things I didn't. I'm in worship that thrills my heart. I don't want to go.
But in ten months, I'll be done with what I came here to do. I'll have to go somewhere new, to start something new. But what?
Early on, I stayed at James River through "crisis" after "crisis" because I felt that I was supposed to be there. Even when I sat, sighing and spazzing through sermons, I felt I couldn't leave. I had been placed. I wouldn't leave as long as I felt the truth of that. I still feel that truth. So I stay. But that's not the only reason I stay now. I gave my heart to this church, and its mission. I've never really fully done that before.
It feels good. A little scary. Sometimes like I'm a follower. Powerful.
But some day soon, it'll feel heart-wrenching, and sad. There'll be a last service, and the fairy tale will be over. I've not yet been through a church transition. I don't know what it's like to leave a body you've loved, to go join another.
I suppose that the excitement of whatever He is bringing you towards sweetens the hurt of leaving what He has given you. But I don't really want to find out any time soon.
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ReplyDeleteMake peace with your time now. I went through that when I knew that my time at university was coming to an end. The sentence : 'The days are numbered' kept flickering through my mind. Yes, it's painful, but there's the excitement of something new. It'll be hard to settle in to, but it'll be worth it once you do.
ReplyDeleteYou'll still feel just as content as long as you're going where God wants you to go. Because He'll keep placing you there. And there, and there, and there.
p.s. What about overstaying? It happens, when we cling on to an era or a place that's no longer for us. Frankly, it's more about where you're meant to be and not so much the location, the church, the people itself. Overstaying would make you literally feel 'dislocated'. If that makes sense...
Stina,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments. Thought-provoking as usual. I'm probably a little prematurely sentimental on this one. :-) And maybe a little overly sentimental.
Have a great day!
Ash