a fool's secret.

I keep a lot of secrets. Worthless secrets. Secrets better brought into light. Secrets about how I feel, and what I think, and how I live my faith.

I keep secrets in faith because I am so afraid of being seen as foolish.

But what could be more foolish than living a secret faith? The reality is that if any of this is true, I am unstoppable. A child of the Most High. I pray, and He listens. I ask, and He provides. I love, and He strengthens.

So...either I am wrong about all of this, and I am a fool. Or, I am right about the Gospel, and my inheritance is breathtaking, and assured. I have been saying that I am right, but living as though I am wrong. That is no way to live.

I need grace. My foolish fears seem insurmountable. Just the idea of making this blog public makes my palms sweaty. I'm nervous, thinking about friends from home and school reading these words.

I can, however, bring myself to start small, by making this blog honest. And so, I am pushing myself past comfort, by writing about my top three most highest craziest secrets:

Number three: I secretly cannot imagine leaving the Pentecostal fold.

I have googled "Assemblies of God + Chicago, IL." No lie. As much as there are beautiful and reverent touches in the Episcopal church, and I've not yet been offended in a truly non-denominational church--I like this worship, and my heart says good things about the doctrine. I don't look like it, and I certainly don't act like it, but I consider myself "AG" at this point. The passion for worship, and the freedom to glorify Him is irresistible, and I won't go back.


Number two: I may have, at one point, a long time ago, possibly been called to seminary and some path through "ministry."

One of the hardest parts of figuring out the faith over the past ten years has been that I've felt that the purpose for my life career was tied up in the faith. So, whenever I walked away from Christ, I felt that I was also turning my back on the plan for whatever I was to do. Journalism, law, psychology--all second best. But I never wanted to choose faith based on some vague notion I had about my future goals, and not on the basis of its truth. Quandry. Of course, ministry is everywhere, in every field, and I could still be "called" to be a psychology professor. Who knows.


Finally, my number one, top-guarded, secret:

I hear tongues in my head. Not all the time. Usually when I've been called out of bed late at night to pray. I sit in my living room, whispering prayers, and I feel a soft touch, as though God were telling me, "Stop. Listen." So I stop, and I listen, but soon, I begin to pray again, this time silently, in my heart. And I hear it, this beautiful and lilting language, coming in short spurts, and He stirs me to open my mouth, but I'm too scared, so I pause, and begin again in English before the touch comes again. "Stop. Listen..." Truly stunning moments with God.

And I am truly stunned to be sharing these things. They are secrets no longer, in one sense. In another, they are still the things that bring fear to my heart when I think about being found out.

The things that make me feel foolish.