a tumultuous marriage.

This can't be avoided: I am doubting salvation.

I'm asking myself, "What did I mean when I said that I accepted Christ?" How was it that I came to understand atonement? Did I? Or did I make the decision to gloss over my unbelief, in service to the parts I could believe? Was that a good decision? What about now, where I'm having trouble understanding it all again?

Traditionally, I have despised the notion that if you fall out of belief, or away from faith, it means that you were never saved to begin with. We change, and we grow. I'm not convinced that salvation is a one time, all-or-nothing type affair. What does it mean to say that I believe this one thing (a very tenuous thing, by the way), and will never stop believing it, and will always proceed as though it's true?

Then again, I suppose that's what marriage is. And I'm a HUGE fan of marriage (given that my parents have had three spouses each). Marriage is a promise to grow with a person. To uphold the Truth of your love, come hell or high water, even when it doesn't seem to you like you love him. It's a belief in something that sometimes doesn't make sense, and sometimes seems like a lie, and sometimes hurts.

I'm now having the problem I knew I'd have. After I transitioned from a more figurative, "Christ was a great moral example," type of Christianity to a "Christ died for my sins" type of Christianity, I knew that divine inspiration was going to be a problem. I remember thinking, "So I'm a Christian, but I don't believe in the bible, what am I going to do now?" And decided at that point to just sit tight, and do whatever I did believe in, and keep questioning.

But alas, I've now got a full-blown mutiny on my heart. Because I don't believe in the divine inspiration of the scriptures, I can question the reality of atonement freely.

Despair.