there's redemption in the offal.

Alcohol won't work. I tried alcohol in college. There's no lasting truth to be found in an altered state.

Anger is useless. With what or whom would I be angry? God? Myself? Unhelpful, both. Plus, anger is never the bottom of the emotion.

Books. The next book could have the answer.

At a healing service, my faith broke.

More truly, I broke. The me I was met the me I've been, and the one I am came out the other end. That sounds complicated, it's really not.

As I stood there, bracing myself for my first ever "healing service," I realized... this is insanity. All of this. This church, this belief, this expectation. It's all crazy. Which doesn't necessarily make it untrue, or unfeasible. The entirety of Madonna's career is also insanity, but someone thinks it's art. A lot of someones actually, have you seen her house?

But, it's still insanity. These people are staking their lives on one interpretation of an oft-times nonsensical set of beliefs, based on a collection of writings that have their own share of dubiousness. If I say that aloud to one of them, I'd likely get one of two responses: a proud, and matter-of-fact nod of affirmation, or a set of treatises on why the bible is sound.

Regardless, I stood there in the dimmed light of a church I love deeply, despite my many misgivings, and my heart shattered.

I feel so much pressure.

I can't say that I believe the bible is divinely-inspired and inerrant, because I don't. Which makes it impossible for me to say all sorts of other things. But I do love this church. I love this community. I love the possibility of a life that does believe all of those things.

But, to quote a little Hesse (from whom the title of this blog is swiped), I "cannot be both, and have both." I can't be the me who God made me, with all of the doubts, and questions, and the orientation towards openness, and also be one of these, the consummate church-goer, who is willing to say that I believe in scripture simply because I ought to.

Ultimately, I think that God is big enough for me. But is the church?

And, what do I say to the people around me? We all choose to believe something. Even an avoidance of that choice is a decision. My conservative Christian friends don't understand how a life without the biblical mandates is fully meaningful. My more liberal Christian friends insist that the conservatives are secretly unhappy, without the life of open exploration of ideas. I know that this is incredibly egocentric, but sometimes I feel as though everyone is watching, and everyone is judging. No matter which direction I go, somebody thinks I'm a fool.

I trust that God accepts my foolish attempts to find Him with a love I cannot understand.