let them praise.

I worry about losing faith.

Ashley is to faith what Hollywood kiddies are to rehab. In and out. In, then out. Then in again. And out.

You get it.

I worry that I'll wake up, and decide that I was wrong, that I don't believe in, or need Christ. And then we'll have to go through all of this over again. Even though I know why and what I believe. I have to remind myself. Every day, I wake up, and I walk myself again through the sequence towards Christ.

Once, a long time ago, one of my liberal Episcopal mentors from home told me, in response to my skeptically questioning the reality of Christ, that his greatest line of evidence for Christ is how he had experienced this Savior in his own life.

I scoffed. I mean, I scoffed. For years, I held onto that as an example of a suspect corner of his intellect. I thought it was a logically untenable position, and, frankly, sheer ridiculousness.

But now, that is my greatest line of evidence. I can get from point A to point B, intellectually. I understand why my mind is willing to accept that Christ died for my sins. But it's not my intellect that supports my faith at this point.

I believe it in my heart.

At prayer meeting tonight, we prayed for prayer cards, and people fallen ill, and a baby girl with health issues, all in the same moment. Too exhausted to even formulate a prayer, I just said, "Father, I don't know what to pray. I don't know your will. Pray with me." And I swear to you, my heart began to pray. More in images, than words, I prayed. I saw the woman from the list, scared and sick, but lifting her arms to God, praising Him through tears. And I heard myself praying, "Father, let them all praise you." That was the prayer. That these people would praise Him, through the pain, or fear, or hurt. I rarely cry. I almost never cry in public. But the image was so powerful, I felt tears on my cheeks.

I remembered Lindell's words from my favorite sermon: "Finally, when you don't understand, you trust God by faith, and you give Him praise."

Easter seems not to me to be a time of worry. So I think I'll make it a time of praise.