the Truth of trust.

The process of understanding Christianity is like one long psychotherapy session. For me, anyway. Why does it seem like this isn't happening to other people? They just...believe. I'm believing, and then not believing, and then asking myself what happened in my childhood so that I don't really understand the concept of trusting God.

Mmhmm, and how do you feel about that, Ash?

I feel gypped. Oops, we can't say that word anymore, in deference to the gypsies. I feeeeeeel... confused.

I'm looking at my bookshelf, where that Shaeffer kid's book about how his faith went up in smoke is sitting on top of Velvet Elvis, is sitting on top of Crazy Love, is sitting on top of The Reason for God. I have a desire to know Truth.

That might be a lie. I'm afraid that I don't desire to know THE Truth, as much as I desire to support MY truth. That's been the rub the entire time I've been down here. I had gone about building this beautiful edifice of liberal, metaphorical faith in Christ, and it was lovely, and sparkling, and felt fantastic. But then these people said, in effect, "Hey wait--that's not the real Truth, though." And I could have blown them off because they're a bunch of Palin voters, but I was just intrigued enough by their love to consider the possibility that they're right. After all, why should I be right, to their wrong? The opposite is also possible. Granted, Palin's candidacy is still an insult to intelligent women everywhere, but as for the spiritual stuff...

I think they're right.

So now I don't get to pretend like it's about Truth anymore. It's about me.

I confuse submitting to Christ, with submitting to the people who represent Christ. And I think it's because I don't trust that there is this thing, the Holy Spirit you might say (no, you, seriously, because I don't talk like that), that works in and through my heart to uncover Truth in God's word and world. So I see this event, accepting Christ, and I think, "then what?" If I can't trust any church to give Truth all the time (I know, I know), how do I find Truth in Christ? Better just keep questioning even in faith. But soon, the questioning turns on itself, and I'm back to the startling line.

In reality, I think that accepting Christ isn't the abandonment of reasoning or questioning, but the trusting that His spirit will guide me.

About trust. Trust is interesting, isn't it? I want to preface this by saying that my family has been healed. I don't know how, and I don't know why. But, despite several divorces, and painful drama, we are all now happy, and healthy, and mostly whole (though, of course, not in perfection). Having said that, I did not grow up in a healthy, happy, and whole family. I grew up in a divided state. And though my parents loved me, they did not always convey that well (God love 'em!). Our wholeness is relatively recent, and so for more of my life than not, I've done well to guard trust closely.

This affects my understanding of God. It affects my ability to trust, beyond doubt, that He loves me, that He won't leave me, and that He'll guide me in Truth. See, it's easy to be guided by God when the destination is beautiful, but much harder when it looks ugly, or worse, you can't even see where you're going. Right now, it looks kind of ugly to me. I'm looking at where I'm supposed to be going. I'm looking at Christ, and the cross, and my palms are getting sweaty just thinking about how uncomfortable it would be to be expressive in church. I'm running from the emotionalism not because I think it's stupid, but because it's scary. Because to accept Christ in Truth would be to admit to something big, something huge, and at that point, it would be impossible to remain a stoic intellectual.

I'm so uncomfortable, I'm ending this blog post here. No pretty ending.