tik tok

I had a funny post planned, filled with the hi-jinks of my first Evangelical bachelorette experience. It included an extended sequence of picking out a "sexy book" bachelorette gift at the Springfield Borders store, praying all the way to the cashier that I'd not run into one of the 20 or so people I know from James River. And a funny moment while "barn swinging,"--too scared to jump, I stalled, joking "Can we just pray for a second?" Immediately, I hear a chorus of voices, "Lord, Father, protect Ashley as..." Or how we blasted dance music on our way to line-dance, and at the part of the song where the singer shouts out "Oh my God," I heard the car fill with shouts, "Oh my Gosh!"

I smile. Southern Missouri. Conservative Evangelicals.

God is good, no?

I had planned on the funny post, and I might still share some of the funnier, or more interesting moments. But I'm bumping the funny for now.

I have been tied up over Christ. Is He real? Did He really die? And why? I know the line. I can give the line. But what do I really believe? That has been the question.

Over the course of the past few weeks, I have discovered that that question is not simply about truth. It's about illogicality, and fear, and hurt, and worry. About what other people will think, and what God will do, and how all of this will affect my ability to be the me I currently am.

I've had to ask myself some other questions as well. Am I saved? Do I believe that there is such a thing as "being saved," that is resolute and discrete? Have I then accepted Christ? And what happened? Did it not "take"? Maybe I'm just in a season? These last questions are kind of embarrassing to me, frankly.

Let me say this. Regardless of whether I was "saved" or not, whether it "took" or not, I come now. I search myself for Truth, and find that I believe that Christ died, and rose again, and because His death would say nothing of love if not coupled with some form through which we might achieve that love ourselves, I believe that His death offers change to me. That in His death, the ramifications of a sin nature (though we are made in the image of God, we all fall short) were rendered powerless. Because He died to God, I get to live to God. I believe that His Spirit works through me in the world to guide me in ways that I am not always aware of. And that in entering into His Love, I then gain the gift of loving beyond my own abilities.

There are many more things to be said about all of this. But, it was time.