letters from '99

I can't believe I'm going to share this. Honestly, reading it was hard. Typing it is harder. Knowing that others might read it is harder still.

I was going through a box of old cards and letters, and I found an envelope. White, with blue type, "Christ Community Church," stamped on the upper left-hand corner, and "Ashley", underlined in my youth pastor's scrawl, dead-center. Inside were a couple of letters he had written me, and a testimony I wrote then. Insights into the 14-year-old soul. In particular, was a letter containing some words I had written him a couple of months after I was saved in that church:


I'd like to start off by saying that the Missions Trip to St. Louis made a big difference in both the way that I look at things in my life and in my attitude. Oh, and I can't forget about the difference that it made in my relationship with Christ. I got out of the van today, and I looked around at all the people who had gone on the trip, now departing to go home and to continue with their lives. Their regular lives. And I have a few thoughts on what ran through my head while I looked around.

First and foremost, I realized that I had just spent an amazing and hopefully life changing three days with these people, and I would really miss being with them. Maybe all of the people who went on the trip don't feel this way, but I feel a definite bond. There were times on the trip, when I knew that we had all been brought together for a reason. Like when we were singing, I heard the voices, and I saw the faces, and I felt the joy, and I knew that right then, in that room, was the presence, the happiness, and the grace given to us by God that is so often preached about.

My only hope is that maybe, you all felt the same thing. I can't even describe what I'm talking about. The thing that's hitting my brain and heart pretty hard right now is that we need to do more. We need to reach out more and to hold each other accountable...more. Christianity is not easy, and sometimes it can be a battle. But through our faith and love for God, we are equipped to deal with that battle. We don't realize all of the things that we do that the devil is loving. I notice myself doing things that make me cringe when I think of what God is seeing. Every time we cut someone down, or we think a bad thought, or we give someone a nasty look, we are fighting in that battle.

Only, when we do those things, we are fighting on the side of the Devil. The devil has us serving him, and most of the time, we don't even put up a fight. We just quietly walk on, doing things that he has convinced us are okay. BUT THEY ARE NOT OKAY. We must constantly, as Christians, step out of the line of those who do this, and change our lives, so that we are different. We must constantly examine our selves and make sure that our actions are wholly for the glory of God. Yes, we will fall in this walk, and we will occasionally say things that are pleasing for the Devil to hear. But God is there, with all his forgiveness and love, and most importantly, strength to stand again, on His side of the battle.

I don't talk often about these early experiences. Most likely because they don't seem wholly real to me. A few short months before I wrote those words, I couldn't have given you an intelligible account of the Gospel; I didn't understand the distinction between the bible, and the roman mythology I was fond of. About two and a half years after I wrote those words, I had already become disenchanted with the Church, and felt a disconnect between what I felt Truth to be, and what my youth pastor was telling me about it.

In the re-reading, I cringe at the naivete of the thoughts of 14-year-old Ashley. Then again, maybe I should cut her some slack. She was 14.

My story is inextricably bound up in Christianity. Echoes of Christ, and His sacrifice reverberate through the years of my life, and the those of my family. I didn't know Christ until I was 14. But I sensed Him when I was only a child. I can't explain that.

Father, where is this all going?