be God, please God.

Two things.

Firstly, I realized sometime last week that, due to a little time drain known as graduate school, What the what?!? Week was going to span more than a week.

Which brings me to a secondly. Too much stuff is happening in that time span to write exclusively on the whats?!? But, I will try to keep the posts loosely related to incredulousness.

Which brings me to tonight. Before I start...

Is God still good? Yes. Is it still true that He brings me unbelievable blessings? Yes. Do I still feel unbelievable gratitude? Yes. Does my heart still desire to spill over with His love into the lives of all who I see? Yes. Ok.

So tonight was a hard night. It almost always is when we start talking about non-Christians. I always realize, at some point in the discussions, that I am not so different from the non-Christians. That I'm in no position to judge their hearts. I remember that though I've been playing house with the conservative Pentecostals, I don't agree with a lot of the doctrine. The others at the table would be appalled to know just how much of it I don't believe. My "saved" status would be in doubt.

I think about these things, choosing my words carefully, then and now.

And I wonder anew, why am I here, God? You know how these people aggravate me. Why am I here? What do you want from me?

Again, the answer comes back. Everything.

My heart breaks after nights like tonight. I feel alone. I worry that all of the progress I've made is gone. And then I remind myself that God is still God. Regardless of what anyone says about Him, and regardless of my own incomplete understandings, He loves me. He loves Truth. And I love Him. And my heart loves Truth. My joy can be indestructible. If I let Him be God.

It's a simple prayer--for God to be God.