imaginary back-porch.

I was talking with a friend earlier about the issues that plague guy-girl interaction, and ended up sending him this letter of advice. I thought it was kind of cute, and mostly true, so...


This might seem a little awkward, but, perhaps in honor of Valentine's Day, I wanted to give you a little primer on how (most) girls think.

More exactly, how we think when we're smitten.

Smitten-ness is unfortunately something of a blinder for us. I don't know if it works the same way for guys, but when we like a guy, we miss things we might normally catch, and we catch things that weren't thrown. That is, though we analyze endlessly, and say things like, "Yeah, I don't know, I mean...he did compliment Mindy's hair, but not mine. He's probably interested in her," we secretly (usually not so secretly, ten minutes later) think he's into us. And so everything you say, everything you do, becomes a clue. You compliment my shoes--it's a sign. You tell me I'm smart--sign. If you should be bold enough to tell me that you're courting someone else, what I might hear is something more along the lines of "But maybe if that falls through, I'd be interested in you." And, if I like you enough, I will continue to stick around, catching those air balls.

I don't want to make us seem ridiculous or fanciful. It's just that when we're interested in a guy, that sometimes becomes all-consuming. It's not just a casual interest, usually. Or, it starts as a casual interest, but then becomes an epic narrative in our minds, whereby you're the perfect husband, and we're building a beautiful backyard porch together while our two little girls run through the slip'n'slide you put together while I was inside making some amazing homemade kiwi ice cream. This is a high stakes game. We have a vested interest in catching all of your signals, and because of that, we sometimes catch things that, in actuality, only signal a true appreciation for our shoes, or our intelligence. Nothing more.

I'll be honest. I consider myself to be a highly reasonable, and realistic woman. Somewhat unromantic at times. And I still fall hard to these impulses. I have built many an imaginary backporch in my day.

So where does that leave the state of male-female relationships? Particularly in the church, where the women ought to be wise and shrewd in their heart, and the men ought to be chivalrous to all women? Does that mean you can't compliment women? Or be friends with them? Not necessarily. But, I think it does mean that you have to be aware of yourself, and your relationships to women. If she's not dating or married, she could be interested in you. If you think she is, be careful. If you know she is, be honest. If you're not interested, lay it out. Lay it out clearly. And, as much as it kills me to say this, recognize that what you say/do could be taken as a "sign." If that means that you have to hold back on the occasional compliment in service to guarding her heart (I can't believe I'm spewing this conservative noise) that's probably the route I'd go.

Also, there are some things we are especially sensitive to, tread carefully: meeting your family (especially parents), spending time with you during a hard time in your life, seeing you with kids, watching you minister in any way to someone in need (there are more). So, if you are not interested in me, but have an inkling that I am in you, please don't invite me over to your parents' house after you’ve had a rough month. I will be done with the porch, and half-way through the flower beds before you can say, "Mindy."

In case you were wondering, I have validated these theories on a Christian sample. I was uncertain if this stuff holds for evangelical, conservative pentecostals, so I brought it up with a few of them. And yep, it holds. Girls down here are just like my heathen friends back North, with respects to crushing. Except, down here, they can convince themselves that God is on their side. Coincidentally, He might be.

Now, I can tell you with complete honesty that I'm not interested in you, and I know that you're not interested in me. So please, compliment away. My shoes are really cute today.