a Tuesday, and some tongue-lashings

It's a Tuesday night, and I'm on my couch, eating ice cream, and watching romantic comedies. Because I have no life. Wait, I do have a life. It's just not here. Perhaps it would behoove me to make one here. It occurs to me that the task would be easier if I stopped using words like "behoove."

I'm liking this freedom to write without an audience. I find myself moving around in it, trying it on like a new jacket in the store. At the same time, it scares me that I feel as though I can't be honest unless no one is watching. It means that something went wrong along the way.

I think about the more sentimental entries of the previous four months, and I cringe at how my intellectual friends would read them. I'm scared to show that much of myself. It's easier with strangers. Though even with them, I mostly try to forget how self-disclosive I've been. Though that sentimentality is real, I also cringe to think of how hard I've fallen for this culture. How much of a follower I had become, in my writings. I didn't lie, but I did hold back. I did begin to accept as true and normal a number of things, without adequate reason. What I was writing, thinking, feeling, and saying didn't all match up. I don't like that.

But.. I also don't like that I'm hiding now. That I got spooked because I got a few tongue-lashings from my friends and family, and now I'm afraid to have the public evidence of the more emotional aspects of my faith. They are right about some of what they said, and I needed to resurface, and refocus. But they're wrong about some stuff, too. And it's not good for me to hide because I'm afraid of being seen a fool. I'm going to be a fool. Many, many times. I've already been a fool many, many times. My journey with Christ started 10 years ago, and since then, I have covered a lot of ground, and been wrong a majority of the time. I can't live my faith in arrogance or certainty, on either side. Maybe shutting down the blog wasn't the best route. Maybe the exercise of humility requires a little humble self-disclosure.