(not) real simple.

I've been praying for wisdom. Every day for weeks. Across several Wednesday night prayer meetings. Today again, with Tim Keene. And tomorrow. The day after...

It seems to me that all of the questions I have about scriptural interpretations, and what to do in this or that situation, and how to live, and pray, and be Ashley--all of those would rest with wisdom. In fact, anything I could pray for might seem fairly less troubling, if founded on His wisdom. A close friend could die. I could be in an accident that takes my vision. I could be kicked out of school, and left penniless, and homeless, and unloved. And what would any of it be if I lived secure in His wisdom? If I knew, wholly, His love, and His grace.

And so I ask for wisdom. I ask for understanding. I say, "Father, help me to understand who You are, and what it means that You are both the Creator of ALL of this, and also the One who loves me. Me, one human amidst the bazillions who have lived and died, and live and breathe, and live in the promise of tomorrow." I don't really understand that. I want to. I don't completely understand salvation, either. Not even my own. I pray constantly, "Help me understand..."

People keep telling me that all of this is simple. But it's not really simple at all.

It seems that Christianity, lived purely, is one of the more difficult paths that can be taken. And that's just the small corner I have on what it means to live the faith purely. How much more daunting will this all seem as my small corner gains ground (if in fact I am granted that wisdom)? As I begin to understand more of His love, and His morality?

I don't say that to play the part of the suffering Christian. I chose this, in a sense.

But I'm not very good at it.

Some people are born meek and gentle. I was not. I was born with an opinion, and a voice. I don't know yet, how to use them in His service. I need wisdom.