gone God.

Sometimes I feel like my time with the church is like a tightrope act. A little too much to either side, and I'm going to fall. Hard.

Not that I'll fall from my beliefs. The reality of Truth is that honestly sought, it will be found. I think that I've made some pretty steady progress over my life thus far. I'm not in any imminent danger of deciding that I was all wrong to accept Christ, or be baptized. Those were good decisions. They were true, in every sense of the word.

But The Church.

I feel like Goldilocks, in a search for the "just right" church. Most of the "liberal" denominations give up too much ground--they accept unTruth for Truth, and in so doing, the logical fallacies involved undermine the integrity of their core beliefs. The conservative denominations have something of the same problem, but in the other direction. They allow cultural norms to skew the interpretation of scripture, and then set cultural norms in line with those skewed interpretations.

Who am I, anymore? I hated the idea of James River. Then I "converted." I was baptized there. I don't want to miss a sermon because I think the preaching is so sound (if not always as nuanced as I'd like). What can I trust? Who can I trust? Can I trust myself? My impressions of God?

I live in two worlds, and it's tearing me apart. Being around my "James River Friends" gives me so much anxiety I can barely stand it. The culture is so out of touch, in so many ways. I'm alternately angry and heart-broken around them. But my "secular" (gag me, that phrase) friends have some beliefs and ideas that I don't agree with. Unfortunately, now, because of my link to JRA, I can't voice my opposition to them openly because I'm a religious wild card.

That's another thing. I get crap from all sides now. My non-JRA friends judge my opinions harshly because they think I've "gone God," and assume then that any of my more conservative beliefs are nonsensical. My JRA friends judge my opinions harshly because they think I'm spiritually immature, and assume that my liberal beliefs are automatically untrue, and contrary to the faith. Both sides believe I've been brainwashed by the other.

I feel as though I have to leave the church, for the sake of my sanity. My happiness. The group psychology is powerful, but I can't mistake that for God. Historically, doing so has not led to positive outcomes.