do it well.

So I shut down the blog. I'm writing this. Only I'm reading it.

I think that I've lost my voice. More directly, I've lost myself.

I've known for a while now that I'm shifting to the right. I've known, and I've let it happen, because I have felt that it needed to happen. Not that I expect to live in the right forever, but just that I wanted to step into the culture fully, to allow myself to be changed. So I saw the shift, and approved it, in a sense, not because I thought I was walking straight down the path, but because I think that this particular detour is an important one.

I doubt that all of my what I'm picking up now, that all of these changes, will continue on with me until the end. But the process is valuable. I am learning to love these people. And I do love them. They are teaching me about compassion and love and kindness. They're not perfect. Maybe the critical inquiry is lacking sometimes. Maybe this is a bubble, and they sometimes do mistake culture for faith. But truth cannot be without Love. And I don't want to be brilliant, but unloving.

Some of my friends from home are actually brilliant. They have sharpened my mind, and though I can't ever hope to reach the levels of their intellect, I have come a long way. But what is any of that if mired in anger, and judgment, and mean-spiritedness? Or, worst of all, arrogance? Fear? I don't want to be afraid to be a fool. I don't want to shy from the emotionalism because I'm scared that an intellectual will walk by, and scoff at my heart. Some of my friends from home judge the faith of my church as idiotic. These are not stupid friends. They are versed both in theology, and culture. And some of their accusations are valid. I'm not a relativist. If we can, we should discern Truth. And if what I see isn't Truth, I don't want to run from saying as much. But I pray for humility always.

I know that what I'm coming to accept down here is only one version, one opinion. I haven't forgotten. And maybe, yeah, maybe I am taking a break. Maybe I like all of this so much because they do claim certainty. Because I can rest for awhile. I've spent most of my life asking questions, trying to figure out what is true and what is not. It's hard. It's tiring. I've always envied Christians, particularly conservative ones, because they get to be certain. I remember a conversation with a professor-friend of mine. I was having a terrible time at it, and I ended up in his office, trashed, but unable to forget it all, sobbing, and telling him that I wish I could accept Christianity. If only I were able to, I could just tow the line. Get married to a great guy, have kids, a nice house, feel certainty about my life, and my faith, and how I should view the world.

Of course, Christianity isn't that easy, or so comfortable. Though many live as though it is. But the point stands that there is something comfortable and solid in the conservative Christian faith/culture. A set of mores, and opinions. And even if you haven't fought for the truth yourself, you get to stand behind others. Strength in numbers. I have been hiding in there a little bit. I've been taking comfort in the certainty. Taking rest. Even while thinking that what's being handed to me at James River isn't the whole truth. My friends are right to accuse me of that. Though they're wrong to do so with such venom, and arrogance. These conservatives could be right.

But I don't want to hold faith, and life(!) at arm's length just because I might be wrong. Maybe the Truth is in the process. In the action of faith. Of trusting. Of reading, and writing, and thinking, and getting as close as you can to certainty, and then embracing, even as you continue to read, and think, and talk. That's a dangerous line to walk. I know that's what my friends are worried about. I feel the pull myself. I accuse my Christian friends down here of it. To embrace, but still question is a tricky proposition. I pray to God for the strength, love, and humility to do it well.