to walk in the dark.

Here's a whole mess of honesty, minus the grammar and literary pizzazz.

My heart is kind of broken.

Today, I turned down an offer to work at James River, and simultaneously turned down my acceptance to AGTS. Financially, those opportunities just wouldn't work. Apparently, it's not the time.

But for a while, I had really thought it was the time. I had begun to imagine the way things might be. I had fallen in love with this new plan for my life.

I know I made the right decisions, but leading up to them, over the last few days, I've been so bitter towards God. So ready to just throw it all away. Because I don't see how turning from these opportunities is going to result in the end I feel He's called me to. I don't see it. I don't. And I don't understand it. And I had to say no to things I really, really wanted. And it hurts. And now I feel lost, and set adrift, and like I have no clue how to get to where I think God wants me.

So I was ready to turn from God, to turn from His church. But I prayed for peace. And I woke up this morning with peace. Now this is interesting--the peace didn't take the pain. I'm still incredibly sad that I had to say no to things I had so cherished the thought of. But the peace gave me at least two things. Firstly--reassurance that I'm making the right decisions. And secondly--the sense that though I've never felt more lost, I have never been more entirely in His will.

There is this most incredible sense in my heart that God is moving. He's moving. I read about these people with great, big, trusting faiths, and I think--I could never have faith like theirs. But He's building it! This sucks, but He's building. At the end of the hold wasn't an obvious victory, a "Here, Ashley, let me take care of that problem for you." It was an "I've got you all the way out here on this branch, and you're learning how to depend only on me, and that is so so so good. You'll have faith like those yet."

And the most amazing part is that He's not even angry with me for my wanting to turn. He has been so loving, so gentle, and caring all day, I can't...I don't understand. It's raw, and beautiful.

I understand the Cross a little better. It is so far from underwhelming.