country church.

Since coming to know Christ, I think the same thing every time I get out of my car to visit a different church...

"Could this have been the one?"

Could this church have helped me come to know God the way that James River has? If I had found this church first, what would my life look like now? Would I, in my skepticism, have tossed this place off as crazy, more of the same, confirmation for my liberal theology? Was it just my time? Would any church have done?

Obviously, I don't know.

I do know that when I think about what could have been, fear rises quickly. I have to remind myself that what could have been is not what is. That I'm safely with Christ, and no one can take the closeness we now share.

I wonder if what I'm feeling is common. When you come to Christ as an adult, and when you've struggled with Him for so long, there's some panic that comes with re-imagining that struggle. When I get out of the car, and I wonder how this might have gone differently, and I feel the fear, I also feel panic. A millisecond of panic before the joy.

What if I had decided I was too tired to go that first Sunday morning? What if my roommates had never mentioned that crazy megachurch I couldn't miss? What if I had stopped going last January when I was so close to stopping?

Then, the conscious reminder. You went. They mentioned. You kept going.

I remind myself...Ashley, you made it through. You're safe. I know that you feel the fear because for so long you fought so hard against God. I know that your mind flashes to a hundred unhappy moments lived so far from God. I know that you wonder if your mind can go dark on you yet--if you'll live again in the belief that uncertainty is certain. But you made it. And if there's any doubt about making it, look around. You didn't make it in a church that's comfortable to you. You found God in a pentecostal church. In a megachurch. Your first friends were wildly conservative. You fought through a glitter-infested womens' conference in your first month, back when you abhorred glitter. You got close to the culture, and have made it through all of the things that can be challenging about church cultures. You're safe. It's okay.

Then again, the best part of the reminder...

If I had done all of those things, I might have reason for panic. Maybe I'd be reaching the end of my own possibilities? I'd already have reached them. Thankfully, those things are all God. He has brought me through every hurtle. The panic is unnecessary because the reality is God's. That's the joy.

I don't know if that little church out on the country could have kept me when I first moved here. I probably would have passed out (not to be mistaken with being slain in the spirit) on a regular basis. I do believe there's a place for smart strategizing in the church. But, ultimately, that moment, that question, on my way into a new church, is a moment of praise.

It's a moment to remember that almost two years ago, I got out of the car, walked into a church, and that's when everything changed.