garbage in; garbage out

I feel as though I'm throwing my life away.

To my Creator, that is beyond insult. I know.

But I feel it.

I just never imagined it like this. The plan was always to get my doctorate, get a job teaching and researching at some great little school like the one I went to, and spend my life in scholarly discourse. Maybe do some great research, write some influential stuff. Live comfortably.

I didn't imagine that I'd ever feel a pull more important than the "prestige" of a Ph.D. I wouldn't have guessed that my liberal ideas of peace, and love, and caring for others would ever turn into something more real, a moral imperative. And I certainly couldn't have known that helping others know God would be one of the things I'd consider "caring."

So the change in plans, the consideration of seminary and my eschewing of further graduate studies in psychology, feels like apostasy. Like I'm throwing away everything that I am, and all of the safety of who I thought I'd be.

And I keep thinking...I really hope I'm not wrong about God. Because, this is beyond a question of "meaning" for me. It's one thing to place your life into a greater grid because you need to give it some significance. It's another to make major choices on the basis of a truth that compels an action. A lifetime of actions.

If I'm wrong about God, I really am throwing my life away.