His to give.

I'm angry with God tonight.

Because I don't know what's coming, and I'm scared.

When I'm scared, I lash out. And who better to lash out against than the One who could so easily light the way.

Except that-- He has. Already. He's lit the way. It's done.

I used to never get angry with God. I thought it was useless. It still is. The stakes are just higher.

I think it started with that girl in the coffee shop. That's when it escalated, anyway. After it was done, I realized...I tested God, and the proof was there: He exists. The prompting that I felt could have been just a fluke. I could have discounted it. But then the situation was too bizarrely tailored to ignore. She was too me.

I realized in those moments that I saw something crazy happen. I trusted His voice in me, did something I'd never ordinarily do, and because of that, created an experience in someone's life that has the potential to change it.

And the whole thing kinda knocked me over. When you see God do something like that (which is huge for me, and probably tiny for people who've seen Him do a lot more), you have a choice to make. God became real then in a whole new way. In a way that involves risk, and sacrifice, and more courage than I've got.

Maybe I sound melodramatic. I'm not.

So I'm angry with God tonight, because I feel like He's asking me to make a choice I can't make. I'm not His girl for all of this. I'm not courageous enough to keep believing like that, to live as though He is definitely here, to always listen to the voice that says 'Get up, go over there'. I'm not brave like that. And I'm not sacrificial like that. And I'm not humble like that.

But what's the alternative? Saying no? Saying that I don't want to see what crazy cool things He can do? That I'm not curious about how big and powerful He really is? That I don't want to help other people? That I'm okay with living outside the truth I feel?

It's a choice, but not a real one. If someone offers you the world, you take it. Especially when it's really theirs to give.