riding solo.

I was driving home from Ozark tonight when it hit me.

"Ashley. If you don't want to believe that Christ is your savior, then don't. Keep volunteering. Keep hanging with the Christians. Keep doing whatever it is you enjoy, and just don't believe."

Right, ok. But how could I do any of that without Christ? What would that make me?

"Confused. It would make you confused."

Can I really do that? Can I just chuck all of this and go back to who I was?

"Of course you can. Look, you wanna believe that you can't know and that recycling is more important than salvation? Go for it. Do it. You don't have to do all of this."

I don't know, Ash...

"There's another option."

Hit me.

"Live this. Look, you're confused and frustrated because you feel powerless. Or something. And part of your turning from this is lashing out at God. So, instead of lashing out at Him, test Him. Put it all on the line, and see what happens. And if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. If your life falls into pieces, and your heart is broken, and nothing seems to make sense--then you can quit with my blessing. Go Buddhist, Jewish, agnostic, whatever. But don't half-live this and claim it's not working. Live it all. Test His existence."

I've never been a big fan of the idea of testing God.

"I really think it's okay this time."

I'm scared.

"You don't really have much of a choice. You came here, and you met God in a new way, and now you have to figure out what's real. You can't un-see what you've seen. You can't un-feel what you've felt. You can live in silence with God, but you'll know. Like you're always saying--everybody's religious. We all make the choice."

Right, but...

"You can't live in the limbo, kiddo. Not intellectually, and not emotionally. Don't be fooled into thinking that you came from paradise. You came from chaos, and it might feel as if you've just traded it up for more of the same. But you've got to trust God for all of it before you're willing to trust Him for none of it. You know."

You know, you're right.

"No, you're right."

I am right.

Right.