going it alone. or not.

I can't bring myself to pray tonight. I can't even talk myself into reading the Old Testament, which is like the fudge sundae of my world. I can get myself to do almost anything using the OT as a bribe. Tonight? No-go.

When I hang out with large groups of Christians, I sometimes walk away with the sense that I don't fit in. More damaging is the sense that I never will. It's nothing that they're doing or saying. It's me. Seriously.

I wonder if I'll ever feel completely at home. I think--Ash, these are wonderful people, what's your deal, chica? I pick apart the situation until there are no parts left to pick. But I keep picking until all I can do is pray, but then, I can't bring myself to pray. Like tonight.

I think that maybe I'd be happier outside the church. But that's done. I'm ruined for nights of casual drinking on the couches of people who don't care for God. My heart is changed.

When I was away from God, my heart broke to be in His church. I believed that Christ had set this incredible example, and that churches were falling short of understanding the true power of that example. So I refused to take full part in them. But it hurt. I wanted to be in the church so badly. I felt like it was incredibly sacrificial on my part--to stay away, for intellectual reasons, from a community I so desperately wanted to be a part of.

Now, I'm in His church, only it's not always so great. I have all of these insecurities. I don't always know how to be in the church. I feel sometimes like I'm making all the effort (even as I know I have no right to expect other people to try to understand me). Things I find funny no one else does. And things other people find normal are just whacky to me. There are all of these differences, and sometimes, my talking about them can come across as divisive. It can be isolating.

I'm not sure how to find my way through it...

Usually, I just pray that though I can't pray, God would keep me.