fairytale fears.

Not a great morning for me, for church. But a beautiful morning for a walk. So walk, I did. Three times around the entire church, with the door greeters staring at me as I went. Putting off the inevitable. The more I walked, I less I felt I could go in. I had to go in anyway--I was helping out in production during second service. But each step seemed to make it harder to force myself into the doors. It didn't get any easier on the inside. I spent the morning on the verge of tears. One unlucky red carpet host almost got the full measure of crazy. I just kept thinking--how am I going to make this all work?

The intensity of my experience at home, combined with the full force of how quickly I've sort of "re-established" my faith after returning, is spinning me a bit.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself. Just breathe. Just live. Don't get so caught up in what you're thinking and feeling in the moment that you forget to just grab the moment. Don't get so confused by whether this is what you had expected, or if it's what you'd planned, that you miss experiencing it.

I'm living a fairytale.

It's true. I've been into enough churches to know that this one is special. I've met enough Christians to know that these are the real deal. I am living something here that is shocking, because of its wonderfulness. I can remember a time when I was twisted up so badly in my mind and heart, I could barely make sense of myself, because I was so certain that though I wanted Christ, I could not have Him. I was absolutely convinced that though I was miserable outside of the church, I had to keep myself outside, so as to avoid being mislead. It was dark. Definitely more than a little sad.

C.S. Lewis wrote [in paraphrase] that the question is not whether someone can live without Christianity, but whether you can.

I'm not sure if I ever made public the post I wrote about this, but the answer is no. I can't. I don't want to. And if I do, it'll be a terrible mistake. An awful choice.

I think I'm looking at the lifestyle and beliefs of my friends, and I'm asking the wrong question. I'm asking whether I'll be able to live as a biblical Christian? Can I live differently? Can I believe in a faith that the modern world denies? But really, the question is...would I ever be able to reject biblical Christianity? Could I live apart from Christ? Could I say that I won't pray, I won't wait on Him, I won't read about Him, I won't spend time with Him?

No, no. I can't. Friends, I love Him. I could never say goodbye. And what would be the point of trying? I'd be like a child, obstinately giving the silent treatment, knowing all along that the richness of my life had been stolen, taken, mislaid, by my own pride.

I'm being a little too transparent for my own good, here. Too earnest.

But this is truth.

Whatever foolishness I fear pales in comparison to the desperation of a Christ-less life.