The Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting message was on tongues, and those pentecostals were riled up. I'm only going to say one thing about it: Barack Obama could have gotten an "Amen" up in that place tonight.
But about fitting in.
I'm in this really weird place now, where I still see things as an outsider, but feel them as an insider. So I know what will hit my secular friends in a peculiar way, but I don't feel particularly peculiar any longer. So, I ask myself, how do I write about all of this? How do I call out what's funny, and different about this culture, without being insulting to the people of this culture whom I am coming to care for so deeply? I also ask myself, how do I deal with the things that aren't funny? How will I walk the line between my past, and my future, knowing when to laugh, and when to cry?
I was talking to a close friend of mine from Chicago a couple of days ago, and we started reminiscing about college days, and in about 5.7 seconds, I found myself smack-dab in the middle of the most uncomfortable memory. Stuff that was once funny is no longer very funny to me. Frankly, it's just embarrassing. She's going on, and I'm thinking, "I did what?" It's still hilarious to some of my friends, though, and I'm not sure how to act. Do I laugh along? Do I Debbie-Downer it, and say something like "Dude, that stuff's just not cool anymore"? Do I just say something really awkward to change the subject, maybe, "Have you ever heard of Agnes Ozman?"
What happened is what happened, and it led me to here. I don't hang myself for it any longer. God and I have convened. It's done. But the memories still exist. And they are tied up in my relationships. That's an interesting mine field. And one to be walked with Love. With a wisdom I am just now realizing I need.
I want to say that I don't know how I'm going to swing this. That I'm nervous, or worried, or concerned that I can't handle this. That'd be a lie. I am confident that the same love that saved me, will guide me. I trust that His spirit lives in me. My walk won't be perfect, but We're going to do this.
And a second thing about tongues. I feel as though I am expected to fill this role of being utterly shocked by them. So I continue to act utterly shocked. My fault, no one else's. But I'm going to put an end to that, and I'm asking for your help. I think that the practice is biblical, and somewhat miraculous, and wholly acceptable. I am thrilled by the possibility that their interpretation offers a means through which God can speak to His modern-day church. Though I still find them jarring to my ears, and I do not expect that I will be so gifted any time in the near future, they're not strange, or funny, or stupid, or crazy. I'm getting on with it. Please help me.
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Hello!
ReplyDeleteI think that initial stage where both you and your friends are getting to know 'the new you' is always an awkward one. I made the mistake of making a point out of the fact that I am different now, mostly due to the shame/guilt that I had for being who I was before. And again, I agree that I shouldn't have been ashamed. I'm happy that God brought me here and I think that a lot of what's good and unique about me pleases God because He made me to be this way. I think you can just relax. I wish I did. Just speak your heart, be genuine, and although your friends will notice the difference, they'll also recognise that you're the same passionate person that you were before. Despite the difference in your object of passion.
As for tongues, I remember being in the exact same position. I started off in a very 'charismatic' church and it felt like I wasn't part of this little club (although it wasn't by their actions that I felt this way) that seemed so wonderful and strange at the same time. I wanted it. But no matter how much I tried to gurgle the words, it just wouldn't come. It really strengthened me though, since I think that if I was able to 'luck' into it that way, I would have rejected it on an intellectual level and labelled it mimcry or peer pressure.
Tongues came to me almost a year to the date of my baptism. It was at a prayer meeting, and this lady... she prayed for me fervently for 10 minutes or so. Nothing happened. She then started to sing in tongues, and it lit something up in me. I started to sing in tongues as well, and this torrent of words came out of me. It wouldn't stop and it felt as if my soul was so excited that it was pouring out of me. I didn't know why I received tongues at that point in time. Turned out that one of the most devastating times in my life happened soon after, and I was literally left without words to pray. I was then able to pray in tongues.
And just today, after coming through a dry period of not hearing God so well/connecting with Him so well... A flood of tongues returned to me. More than that, I sang in tongues again, which I haven't done in a long long time.
I've been struggling with the dichotomy of believing in my mind on a rational level but not trusting God with my heart lately. Only in tongues, where it wasn't to do with my mind at all, did I find some restoration of peace and connection with God in my heart.
Marvel-ous.
Stina,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments--I really enjoyed reading them.
I agree--I think that my friends will see the same passionate person they saw before. But I would like to be comfortable sharing with them parts of my faith that I am currently not 100% comfortable sharing with them. That's a sticky thicket. I'm not ashamed of what I've done, necessarily, but I am in a different place, and I want to reflect that in speech and behavior. Without upending my friendships. :-)
Thanks for sharing your experiences on tongues! I always like hearing peoples' personal thoughts on that topic. Coming from religious traditions that do not speak in tongues, the transition has been a bit jarring, and a sort of a step-wise process of attempting to understand, accept, and then ask..."Well.. how does the practice relate to me?"
I do wonder, though, if tongues are not the only way in which we can bridge that heart-mind divide. Music, for instance. Or, just...being. Being with God. Wholly un-intellectual (in a sense), but entirely satisfying.
Sorry to hear of the struggle. Glad to know that tongues restore you. Let me know how I can pray for you.
Fab-ulous :-)