i lean like a poser.

I had a more elaborate post written, but just cleared it. The simpler, the better.

I'm at Hebrew's, enjoying the illusion of being in the Chicago suburbs, and these men just walked in with their bibles.

I judge people who carry bibles. Let me re-phrase, I have in the past judged people who carry bibles.

I've seen them, and automatically thought "ppffff, posers." I know, right? In my own defense, I am an equal opportunity pharisee. I also label as posers people who carry copies of Camus' "The Stranger," and anything written by Sartre, and I have special venom for those who make Gertrude Stein references as though that's normal.

But-- if I carry existentialist lit, or talk expat poetry, it's because I'm uber-cool (a good indication of that is my use of the prefix "uber"--only really cool people do that). That is, I am the worst kind of snob.

I'm not writing this to roast myself, though. This really is about the bible trust over there.

I saw the first guy sit down with his bible, and, I'm not making this up to make myself look holy, I thought, "How awesome! I would love to go talk to that guy about his faith, and learn from him what his life in Christ has taught him." My actual thoughts were less wordy. More of a simple impulse. I've spelled out the sentiment for your benefit.

I am not always so charitable towards Christians. I still have a lot of bad habits, and old prejudices. There's one woman in my church who I am absolutely positive is a real-life poser. I know it because the first time I met her, she gave me a litany of how sought after her husband is in leadership circles. That kind of talk is the equivalent of ten copies of "The Stranger," all in a pile on the table next to an organic iced honey tea latte (which, by the way, is delicious).

(Dudes--a whole table of people just turned to stare at me. That was awkward. Turning off the headphones, but pretending like I still have music on....NOW. Oh, oh...somebody's friend just got certified as a "licensed spiritual healer"! This is hott. Can I just get up and join them? This is too much for me. I cannot pass up an opportunity to talk about religion. God, why do you do this to me?!? You know I need to go over there. They're like a magnet. Now they're onto sex predators and hypnosis. Some pastor got fired because they put his daughter under hypnosis and she said he sexually-abused her! Oh. my. word. Now they're talking about how spirits can make people say stuff they wouldn't otherwise say. I'm going in.)

(Ok, they're all super-nice. No one knows any one else, they're just here for a meetup.com gathering to get out and chat. They started talking about religion after seeing my book on the table--hence the group glance--but there are no set topics. I'm back at my own table because I could care less about the pizza-topping preferences of strangers.)

About Christians. My knee-jerk reaction is to judge. Even in church, in which I should expect to come full-frontal to oodles of them. I've lived for so long outside of His grace, and His love, that I have become wretchedly unable to give Grace and Love. Sure, I've loved those I like. But what kind of test is that? Everybody loves those they like.

But now, that's changing. Sometimes, without my explicit consideration, as with bible guy. Sometimes, with pain-stakingly painful effort, as with my church-y poser lady. But I like it. I think it's good.

After a phenomenal message last night, I leaned back in my chair (literally leaned, entrenching myself in my seat, so as to get as far away from the altar as possible, as is my custom when the altar is opened), contemplating prayer. No lie, wasn't feeling it. And then, God stepped in. I suddenly found my heart flooding with prayer, passionately (though silently) shouting out to Him, "Let me know You! Never leave me, I need You." And in that moment, my absolute and over-powering urgency for God made every difference, and every prejudice, and every judgment fall away. (I just looked up synonyms for need. None of them cut it. But you know what I'm saying, right? Need, urgency, yearning, longing, necessity, but to the millionth power--to your very core?)

It occurred to me that I don't care if you're a young-earth creationist, and I don't care if you read the bible and don't mean it, and I don't even care if you voted for George W. twice! I want God in my life so badly that I will put to the side every last thing that comes between Us and us, and I want Him for you, too.

That was so last night. That is so today. I pray that will be so tomorrow.