ramblings.

I think my friends, and professors would be horrified to know how deep I'm in at James River.

I don't care.

I came here, and my life was one way. I was one way. My future was one way.

But now, none of that holds. My life is different. I am different. My future is different.

Sometimes, I walk up to the church, and I think, "What?" I can smell that flowering lilac off to the right, and I glance up towards the flags, flapping in the wind, and I see the steeple, set pale green against the sky. As I pass, I remember the spot in the grass where I sat and prayed to God, so many months ago now, during DFL. And I think, "What? Really, Ash? A pentecostal megachurch?"

But we're past that.

When I first came down here, I was reading this book about the evangelical movement, and the predicted downfall of the modern megachurch. I remember thinking that those words--evangelical, "born again,"--were so other. Those were words for the people that went to James River, but not for me. Words for people who believed in the absolute power of Jesus Christ to save, and in the commission of that message.

I suppose, now, that I am both "born again," and "evangelical."

That's so weak. I am both born again, and evangelical.

God, why me? Why did you call me? These kinds of questions remind me of Moses, telling God that he doesn't speak well enough to say those lofty things to Pharaoh. I read about that today, in Exodus, and I wanted to shout at Moses, "You fool! That stick just changed into a snake before your eyes, and you're worried that He won't tell you what to say?"

Moses didn't seem to understand the full import of having been chosen by God. Lindell was fired up this morning about God's election, in a sermon I'm calling "God Chose You!: The Reprise!" That's right--it was part two of my favorite sermon. Only this time, God chose me! The last time I heard Lindell's words on the topic (live, anyway), I had been chosen of course, but, like Moses, I didn't get it. I hadn't stepped fully into His power. I hadn't accepted His call.

It occurred to me this morning that the mystery and miracle that is His election is...it's unfathomable. The only response is worship. I looked out across the crowd, and imagined an auditorium of people, each falling to his or her knees, arms aloft, shouting of His mercy, and His outrageous love.

I'm not who I was. And I'm not entirely sure who I am becoming. But I do trust that however strange this all looks to me, God has it. He's got it. Or as Lindell put it, in "God Chose you!" 1.0: "Tonight, you may not understand what is going on in your life, but that doesn't mean that God is not in control."

He's right. I don't understand it. Nor do I need to.