constant retainer.

I'm in a faith panic. Generally that involves me pacing to and fro, muttering to myself, "I can't do this, I cannot do this," trying to break through an impenetrable wall of doubt.

Tonight, I'm going to do myself a favor. I am scared that I am becoming judgmental. And I worry about what will happen to my relationships as I figure out how to be myself in those that were based on a different self. And I don't know what to do about the love. I don't really know how to love in the way I'm called to. I don't think I can. I'm very opinionated. Very, very opinionated. If you tell me what you had for breakfast, I can find something to say about it. Trust me.

But I'm going to do the favor. I'm putting all of that down. And lifting up my heart to worship Him, and His word, and who He is.

I'm in 2 Samuel now, and I have a bit of a crush on Jonathan. I was upset when He got killed off in battle, no lie. But I'm crushing on him because he's tender, and he seems to speak good sense, and he's brave. Even after his Dad tries to snuff him in that incident with the honey, he continues to stand up in ways he knows will only bring him trouble. He respects the presence of the Lord.

That's what I love most about his conversations with David. They both recognize that the presence of God binds their words, and agreements. That God sees all, and knows all, and expects us to honor what we say and do down here on earth.

As I read, I think first that I need to be better about keeping my word. But then, that God is a God of details. Sometimes, I think that God doesn't care so much about all of the moments of my days. That He's not "there." But then, David and Jonathan are talking, and it's clear that they fully expect that God is there in every moment. They don't start their oaths by asking God to come close, and then giving him a minute. They just make the oath under God. God is not on retainer, He's full-time management.

He knows the things I do that should bring rebuke. And those that bring joy. And every moment in between. Because He's here. As with Jonathan and David's oaths, so is He here to witness to my life. And with all of the things He has witnessed, He loves me still.

Remarkable.

For the record, everyone knows that Honey Nut Cheerios are the superior Cheerios.