though.

I want a radical faith.

I want a faith that flies off to Peru at a prayer's notice. One that holds nothing back--no shred of love, no solitary dollar--to glorify Christ. A faith that stops short of no man unsaved, and shows no fear. I want the kind of faith that makes evil nervous. And one that loves outrageously, far beyond "normal."

But I don't have that kind of faith, and I'll be honest about why I think that is.

I have self-pity, where I ought to have compassion. I have self-indulgence, where I ought to have discipline. I have self-love, where I ought to have humility. I have self-contempt where I ought to have grace.

Most of all, I have self-doubt that I perversely reflect onto Christ. Where I ought to have faith.

But...I do want to want compassion, discipline, humility, grace and faith.

So with Habakkuk, I pray, "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produced no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my savior."