it is done.

I'm getting a much-needed assist from my past.

I'm having a bit of a rough time in faith right now, asking myself if God exists, if Christ died for my sins, if all of what I've accepted in coming into the church, and beginning work in the Body is real, and true. Some days, I've felt like I'm only a few inches from shutting it all down. I start plotting a strategy for disentangling myself from the church with the least damage done to new-found friendships, and maximum consideration to volunteer schedules. I cry, and stare at the carpet for what seems like hours at a time, love-hating my Bible as I struggle to believe all that God tells me through it.

Not that all my moments are mired so in drama, or disbelief. But I have begun, in more serious fashion than usual, to wonder if the church is in my future. If Christ is with me.

I was thinking about that today, meandering the hall outside Clark Chapel while greeting for Cherish Kids. I had just run into a friend--I doubt he knows I think about this, but he always seems to assume that no matter my jokes, or the flippancy with which I toss off comments about my faith, this is it. While I feel like I'm floundering, the battle is won. God called me in, and He's holding me in. This friend is probably just being nice by refuting my nonchalant claims to future Buddhism. Regardless, his unswerving confidence in my faith makes me think that maybe there's something to be confident about. His unusual sense of "knowing" gives me pause. He seems to think I'm in the church for good. So why shouldn't I?

I paced for a while, in the silence of the church before rush hour. I am a couple of weeks shy of the one-year anniversary of the day I first walked into James River. I can't even believe it. I never would have imagined all of this.

I haven't been in the church like this for over 10 years. And the last time I was, this was about the point, this one-year mark, where things began to fall apart.

Hence the assist from the past...

Things began to fall apart for the same reasons, essentially. I began to doubt what I said yes to. I felt like I was being controlled by the church, and the culture, and by some set of standards that I thought were too restrictive, and not in line with what any real God would exact of those He loves. So I fell out, missed service by missed service, week by week. Until I gave it all up, the theology, Christ, the whole thing, and inside of 18 or 24 months from first walking into Christ Community Church, from first hearing the gospel, I considered myself agnostic, at best.

But He wasn't done. He followed me into college, hooked me up with the president of IVCF (a brilliant scientist, still one of my best friends, but now an atheist), and introduced me to some of the coolest Christians I had ever met. Including a couple who adopted these two great kids, and loved James Taylor (I smile as I remember that because it occurs to me that if God watches us along the way, what a sign-post perfectly tailored to me). He saved my life more than once, and I don't even have time or space for every other sign post.

And now, I look back, and I think...I could walk. I could freak out at the one-year mark, and give it all up. But why travel this road again? It's done. My heart is redeemed, and I am confused sometimes, and scared, uncertain, doubtful. But I can't live as though I haven't seen the truth. There's no going back.

I suspect that even if I did go back, I'd just be led right back to one more version of this.

It is done.