religious fetish.

I walked out of church again today. I was standing there, singing, and whamm-o, it all felt so overwhelming. There's been a 24-7, 10-screen cineplex going in my head. Screen one: a close friend and mentor of mine telling me that the conservative evangelical faith is idiocy. On another screen there's a video montage of Lindell and all of his prosperity doctrine praise reports. Then, screen three, it's me! I'm out with my friend, Jake, and he's asking me all of these questions about the quality of the teaching at James River. The next screen shows me again--this time in some friends' living room, the two of them casually discussing doing some drugs later, and I'm thinking, "Holy God, can I be in this room? I need to be in this room". Another screen shows a parade of the megapastors whose blogs and twitters I follow. Yet another loops footage of every nonsensical thing one of the conservatives has said to me. And then the next screen is Tim Keene, and my heart stills for a moment. There is truth to be found here, it's going to be okay. But then, another screen, another scene of illogicality, and excess in the megachurch. The next shows the unending need in the world, juxtaposed against the grandeur of James River. And another, and another, and another...

I'm not wavering in my faith. I'm not doubting my belief in Christ. But I do wonder where all of this is leading.

I spend far too much time listening to sermons, and reading books, and talking to people about God. Far too much time for someone who has no place in the formal ministry. I'll just be that weird psychology professor with a religious fetish.